然而近几年我决定学习一门新功课：爱自己。对于一个考虑别人感受多过自己永远把被人放在自己前面的人来说还真不是一件容易的事。为了表示自己热爱学习不畏挑战，我定期会和自己约会，随心所欲做让自己高兴的事儿。

今天便是一个和自己约会的日子。上网YOUTUBE 一下春节联欢晚会。 实在没有耐心看所有的节目。30 多年了早就审美疲劳了，只想有选择地看看小品们跟着傻乐一下。突然间看到李宗盛，罗大佑，周华健，张震岳的歌曲串烧。张震岳我没什么特别感觉，印象中就是一小屁孩儿。可是宗盛，大佑，华健，那可是我青春的见证啊。最爱的当然还是李宗盛。

人们说李宗盛懂女人，那么多女人的心思在他的歌词里被暴露得淋漓尽致：

“爱又多销魂 就有多伤人”

“如果女人　總是等到夜深　無悔付出青春　他就會對你真
是否女人　永遠不要多問　她最好永遠天真　為她所愛的人“，

“我以為我會報復　但是我沒有
當我看到我深愛過的男人　竟然像孩子一樣無助 這何嘗不是一種領悟　讓你把自己看清楚
被愛是奢侈的幸福　可惜你從來不在乎“

不胜枚举。可我跟喜欢听他的浅吟低唱，用那种沙哑得近乎说话的方式去表达男人的无奈： “

關於愛情的路啊　我們都曾經走過 關於愛情的歌啊　我們已聽的太多 關於我們的事啊　他們統統都猜錯 關於心中的話　心中的話 只對你　一個人說“

“忙忙忙　忙忙忙　忙是為了自己的理想　還是為了不讓別人失望
盲盲盲　盲盲盲　盲的已經沒有主張　盲的已經失去方向
忙忙忙　盲盲盲　忙的分不清歡喜和憂傷　忙的沒有時間痛哭一場“

“雖然曾經有過很多感情的債
對於未來的愛還是非常期待
這一次我的心情　不高不低不好不壞“

“你像個孩子似的　要我為你寫首歌
一點也不理會　會有好多的苦從我心中重新來過“

和女人或撕心裂肺或哀怨幽婉的感伤来比，我现在似乎更欣赏或接受男人的这种有节制的感伤。可以伤心但不歇斯底里；可以无奈但不自哀自怜。 生命像一个钟摆，向左摇得越大，向右也会摇得越大， 最终要达到一种平衡。

在这个阳光四溢的冬日午后，我望着那四个熟悉的面孔，眼泪淡淡地滑过脸颊，伴着一丝淡淡的笑容， 与我， 这是一种有节制的感伤。

It all began with a friend's facebook status:" Have I told you lately that I love you ". Since that moment, I have been playing that song over and over again in my head. Since then I am wrapped by this beautiful but nostalgic feeling.

Her e-mail arrived just in time, like a fresh bagel on a saturday morning. I enjoyed reading her stories and tried to picture her arm wrestling with a Swedish woman in a park in Austria. Then this word of the day just jumped to my eyes: nostalgic. She has been thinking a lot about what happened this year, some special person, some special moments...What a good timing!

I opened his card again today. A beautiful little buddah sitting in pink roses. My french has never been better because I have sensed all the nostalgic emotions beneath the seemingly calm tone.

I always believe people come to our lives with a mission. Some of them have completed it and some of them are still working on it. Every story has an end even though sometimes we don't want to accept it, like sitting in the movie listening to the last tune of the music. Everything has an expire date, some are longer than others if we are lucky. Very often we seal certain memories and put them in the box and we know that when we open it, conciously or unconciously, " nostalgic" will be the word.

Let me just say that holidays make us nostalgic, so let's blame holidays.

Tonight, I am yours. You don't even know who I am but I hear your passion and see your color.

I am tired, for a long time. It is not until recently that I realize that I am the one to blame because I let my energy to be consumed, I let my inspirations to be taken away, I let my body and soul float and never land. For the first time in many years, I am not curious any more, I don't always think of exploration, experiments and discovery, I want stability, a routine, a tranquil Sunday morning without thinking where I have to live.

The summer is finally over, in my heart, unfortunately.

The devastating earthquake in China has left tens of thousands of people homeless, helpless, and probably hopeless. I know that I can't do much except making some donation and I also know that the donation won't bring the deceased back to life, however, it will help the survivors cope with their pain, move on with their lives and rebuild their homes. It will also help the locals construct stronger school buildings, so hopefully no more young lives will be lost to the unpredictable nature again.

Individually we are small, a couple of hundred dollars may not help much but I believe that smalll things make big difference, I believe that the more we share with others, the more we will receive; I believe collectively we can help the needed and make the world better than it is.

I reached out to all my contacts, colleagues and friends for more help. And then this particular individual, let me down in an unaccpetable way. Basically he told me:" I will give you thousands of dollars in 10 years but now I have to invest in my asset...there are so many people who need help and I can't help everyone." I was furious, not because of his refusal to help, more because of his lacking humanity, the self-centerness. This is the same person who spent almost $1000 in restaurant last week but would not contribute 1/10 to those people who lost family, lost homes and lost hope. I was also sad, because I misjudged him. I thought he was bigger than he actually was.

I started to wonder about our next generation. What about our children? I don't want my future children to only care for themselves or their immediate family; I don't want my children to only focus on their own little world or their own races; I want my children to be able to share; I want my children to be able to love; I want my children to help others in need; I want my children to be empathetic; I want my chidren to know that they will receive more when they give...

I was furious because I can't help change your minds but please help yourselves, for the sake of your children.

In those moments when days blend with nights, I sink in the greyness and wish that I could stay there for a while but my tears are telling me that the line is clearer than ever no matter how diligently I have tried to avoid it. The tears are also a mourning, mourning about the closed door to my heart, once widely open.

I always believe that I was born out of water. Water calms me down in a very intimate way. So when you ask me:" Who are you? What do you want?" questions that we ask ourselves millions of times along the whole life journey, I suddenly realize that I am a waterlily and you are a cactus.

The new job also changes my routine. I no longer have the luxury to get up at 8am and read in the bus or stare at some good-looking men ( not too many though) or simply doze off. I am forced to be a morning bird, driving 1-2 hours to get to work, at the mercy of the traffic. And speaking of traffic, isn't that wonderful way to kill life? Sometimes I am stuck, not moving at all. Nowhere to escape and nowhere to turn back, like sometimes in life. However eventually I go through, I pass it, like sometimes in life too.

While I am accelerating one aspect of my life, I kind of put the rest in the closet: no time to update my blog or write back those caring friends who hope to read new postings; no time to create some pleasurable moments behind the camera; no time to read much except those related to work...what am I doing?

It is March, all I hope is to get out my new shoes, get out the traffic and get out the closet, to see Spring...

《我们无处安放的青春》。一口气看下来，撒了些鳄鱼的眼泪，更多的是感慨。感慨那很遥远的青春和很纯洁的爱情。我也青春纯洁过。也曾为某一个眼神琢磨几天，为某一句话激动的夜不成眠，为某次手指无意的触摸而反复回味。 那时的爱是纤细的，纯洁的也是脆弱的。那时我们相信有永恒，那时我们相信爱是唯一的，那时我们相信没有了爱我们会死的，那时我们相信失去了爱的那个人我们就永远失去爱的能力。 后来我们知道爱是永远在变化的过程，后来我们知道失去了某一段爱情我们还是活得挺好，后来我们知道爱的再生能力极强， 不爱了这个还会爱下一个。

这片子让我在感慨之余将记忆里的片断摘出，穿成一部不连贯的电影。记忆里的红衬衫，外交学院的酸奶还有马迭尔酒店的慢舞。。。然后我有些怀念，怀念那份单纯，那份幼稚，那种全力以赴， 那种不知深浅，那对永恒无知的信赖，那对未来无限的憧憬。。。甚至怀念那时眼神里的犹犹豫豫，暧暧昧昧，不像现在清澈地充满了欲望。

打电话给远在北京的Y又侃侃而谈, Y笑说, 妞儿现在咋这理智尼, 不太像那个爱得死去活来,上蹿下跳的丫头嘛.我赶紧干笑说:蹿累了歇歇.说得有些底气不足.那一刻我有些怀念我那不知安放到哪里的青春.

Starbucks in Chapters. A small latté. A book. I sat by the window, where my friend Karl used to sit, watching people crossing the street. They walked in their own world, thinking about what made them happy or sad, thinking about what would be on the dinner menu, thinking about not being late to pick up the kids in daycare or thinking about, nothing. They never knew that someone was watching them, watching a fraction of their life, just like me, not knowing who is reading me, my life, my joy and sadness. Fascinating. Occasionally, someone looked up. Our eyes crossed path through the big window, I'd smile.

Some chapters of my life, someone or some moments would immerse from my memory like a movie while I was watching others' life. Some of those back then would make me feel extremely painful or sad, while right now would only make me smile.

It's a perfect day. A day to watch people and smile.

If life experience could sell for money, I must be at least a millionnaire. If being kind and generous can make one live longer, I think I could live at least 200 years. I doubt it will be much fun though to live that long without teeth. Sometimes I evaluate my assets and I see a lot as the intangible ones. Then I smile, as if I am really rich.

I am a little bored. No in fact a lot bored. With my suburb condo, sometimes even with this sexy city. Walking on St-Catherine street, I wonder how many people care about me, no one. Who are we? Nobody. So why are we taking ourselves so seriously?

8 years. I could think in English and dream in French; I could talk about sex without blushing; I could go tell a young man that he is cute; I could smile at a friend saying : you know what, you suck! But I still could not leave my parents behind without thinking of my responsibilities; I still could not not want a beautiful steady everlasting love and a family; I still could not stop being a Chinese, no matter what passport I am holding.

8 years later, I am back to where I was. I have to find the answers to my question: what do you want? What makes you happy?

My own birthday wish is: God, help me find the answers.

And you, please help me pray.

I don't see the light even though I have been telling myself: it will be over, soon. You have been there, done that...it could not be worse. I can't change lane because it is too dangerous, all the cars are so close to each other. I can't surpass anyone. I just need to stay where I am, driving, being focused in the dark, hoping one day, at one point, I am going to get through this...

It is possible I think. Patience. Someone told me this the first time we met.