海伦, une aventure

Nostalgic

Two days before Christmas, I drove to work as usual, with my cheerful smile, as usual. Except that I was nostalgic.

It all began with a friend's facebook status:" Have I told you lately that I love you ". Since that moment, I have been playing that song over and over again in my head. Since then I am wrapped by this beautiful but nostalgic feeling.

Her e-mail arrived just in time, like a fresh bagel on a saturday morning. I enjoyed reading her stories and tried to picture her arm wrestling with a Swedish woman in a park in Austria. Then this word of the day just jumped to my eyes: nostalgic. She has been thinking a lot about what happened this year, some special person, some special moments...What a good timing!

I opened his card again today. A beautiful little buddah sitting in pink roses. My french has never been better because I have sensed all the nostalgic emotions beneath the seemingly calm tone.

I always believe people come to our lives with a mission. Some of them have completed it and some of them are still working on it. Every story has an end even though sometimes we don't want to accept it, like sitting in the movie listening to the last tune of the music. Everything has an expire date, some are longer than others if we are lucky. Very often we seal certain memories and put them in the box and we know that when we open it, conciously or unconciously, " nostalgic" will be the word.

Let me just say that holidays make us nostalgic, so let's blame holidays.

Audience in life

I watch you from far. The beam of light drops on your red dress and outlines your face with tenderness and mystery. You are singing in a language that is completely foreign to me. But I feel that I understand your passion, your emotions and your sentiment as music is a universal language. The audience is excited by you and their excitement in return gives you inspiration. You need an audience. Don’t we all? We need someone to listen to us, to understand us, to appreciate our qualities, to recognize our effort, to help us improve and grow. We all need witness in life. No man is an island himself.

Tonight, I am yours. You don't even know who I am but I hear your passion and see your color.

Summer is over

I have been away, not just physically, for quite a while. When I come back to this deserted garden, I feel a bit guilty. The voyage is long and tiring. My life is slipped in packing, unpacking and packing again. Some days I think I see the rainbow on an August sky, yet when I reach out my hands, I only grasp a few footnotes of the wind.

I am tired, for a long time. It is not until recently that I realize that I am the one to blame because I let my energy to be consumed, I let my inspirations to be taken away, I let my body and soul float and never land. For the first time in many years, I am not curious any more, I don't always think of exploration, experiments and discovery, I want stability, a routine, a tranquil Sunday morning without thinking where I have to live.

The summer is finally over, in my heart, unfortunately.

The imperfect perfection

What about our children?

I was furious, with someone whom I care for a great deal.

The devastating earthquake in China has left tens of thousands of people homeless, helpless, and probably hopeless. I know that I can't do much except making some donation and I also know that the donation won't bring the deceased back to life, however, it will help the survivors cope with their pain, move on with their lives and rebuild their homes. It will also help the locals construct stronger school buildings, so hopefully no more young lives will be lost to the unpredictable nature again.

Individually we are small, a couple of hundred dollars may not help much but I believe that smalll things make big difference, I believe that the more we share with others, the more we will receive; I believe collectively we can help the needed and make the world better than it is.

I reached out to all my contacts, colleagues and friends for more help. And then this particular individual, let me down in an unaccpetable way. Basically he told me:" I will give you thousands of dollars in 10 years but now I have to invest in my asset...there are so many people who need help and I can't help everyone." I was furious, not because of his refusal to help, more because of his lacking humanity, the self-centerness. This is the same person who spent almost $1000 in restaurant last week but would not contribute 1/10 to those people who lost family, lost homes and lost hope. I was also sad, because I misjudged him. I thought he was bigger than he actually was.

I started to wonder about our next generation. What about our children? I don't want my future children to only care for themselves or their immediate family; I don't want my children to only focus on their own little world or their own races; I want my children to be able to share; I want my children to be able to love; I want my children to help others in need; I want my children to be empathetic; I want my chidren to know that they will receive more when they give...

I was furious because I can't help change your minds but please help yourselves, for the sake of your children.

Another sunny afternoon

Waterlily

I turn on the music in the car. FM 92.5 is always cheerfully noisy. John Mayer covers my silent tears. I do not know why I cry but a strong tide of emotion just roars in my heart, then flows out of my eyes.

In those moments when days blend with nights, I sink in the greyness and wish that I could stay there for a while but my tears are telling me that the line is clearer than ever no matter how diligently I have tried to avoid it. The tears are also a mourning, mourning about the closed door to my heart, once widely open.

I always believe that I was born out of water. Water calms me down in a very intimate way. So when you ask me:" Who are you? What do you want?" questions that we ask ourselves millions of times along the whole life journey, I suddenly realize that I am a waterlily and you are a cactus.

New shoes, traffic and closet

I have been in my "new shoes" for 2 months. I often refer to any new change--- new job, new relationship, new house, new born etc to a pair of new shoes. No matter how beautiful they look like, it always takes time to get comfortable with. So my new shoes this time, basically my new job, have deprived me from having a normal life. I have returned to the basic layer of Maslow's pyramid-----If I have time to eat, sleep and take a bath, I am kind of happy. Yet the new shoes still hurt.

The new job also changes my routine. I no longer have the luxury to get up at 8am and read in the bus or stare at some good-looking men ( not too many though) or simply doze off. I am forced to be a morning bird, driving 1-2 hours to get to work, at the mercy of the traffic. And speaking of traffic, isn't that wonderful way to kill life? Sometimes I am stuck, not moving at all. Nowhere to escape and nowhere to turn back, like sometimes in life. However eventually I go through, I pass it, like sometimes in life too.

While I am accelerating one aspect of my life, I kind of put the rest in the closet: no time to update my blog or write back those caring friends who hope to read new postings; no time to create some pleasurable moments behind the camera; no time to read much except those related to work...what am I doing?

It is March, all I hope is to get out my new shoes, get out the traffic and get out the closet, to see Spring...

我们无处安放的青春

朋友回国带回一些DVD扔给我，拿去解闷吧。

《我们无处安放的青春》。一口气看下来，撒了些鳄鱼的眼泪，更多的是感慨。感慨那很遥远的青春和很纯洁的爱情。我也青春纯洁过。也曾为某一个眼神琢磨几天，为某一句话激动的夜不成眠，为某次手指无意的触摸而反复回味。那时的爱是纤细的，纯洁的也是脆弱的。那时我们相信有永恒，那时我们相信爱是唯一的，那时我们相信没有了爱我们会死的，那时我们相信失去了爱的那个人我们就永远失去爱的能力。后来我们知道爱是永远在变化的过程，后来我们知道失去了某一段爱情我们还是活得挺好，后来我们知道爱的再生能力极强，不爱了这个还会爱下一个。

这片子让我在感慨之余将记忆里的片断摘出，穿成一部不连贯的电影。记忆里的红衬衫，外交学院的酸奶还有马迭尔酒店的慢舞。。。然后我有些怀念，怀念那份单纯，那份幼稚，那种全力以赴，那种不知深浅，那对永恒无知的信赖，那对未来无限的憧憬。。。甚至怀念那时眼神里的犹犹豫豫，暧暧昧昧，不像现在清澈地充满了欲望。

打电话给远在北京的Y又侃侃而谈, Y笑说, 妞儿现在咋这理智尼, 不太像那个爱得死去活来,上蹿下跳的丫头嘛.我赶紧干笑说:蹿累了歇歇.说得有些底气不足.那一刻我有些怀念我那不知安放到哪里的青春.

A perfect day

No sangrila in the park, but still a perfect day.

Starbucks in Chapters. A small latté. A book. I sat by the window, where my friend Karl used to sit, watching people crossing the street. They walked in their own world, thinking about what made them happy or sad, thinking about what would be on the dinner menu, thinking about not being late to pick up the kids in daycare or thinking about, nothing. They never knew that someone was watching them, watching a fraction of their life, just like me, not knowing who is reading me, my life, my joy and sadness. Fascinating. Occasionally, someone looked up. Our eyes crossed path through the big window, I'd smile.

Some chapters of my life, someone or some moments would immerse from my memory like a movie while I was watching others' life. Some of those back then would make me feel extremely painful or sad, while right now would only make me smile.

It's a perfect day. A day to watch people and smile.

Stupid me!

34.99 years old wish

Here I am. 34.99 years old. asking myself the same question 20 years ago: What do you want?

If life experience could sell for money, I must be at least a millionnaire. If being kind and generous can make one live longer, I think I could live at least 200 years. I doubt it will be much fun though to live that long without teeth. Sometimes I evaluate my assets and I see a lot as the intangible ones. Then I smile, as if I am really rich.

I am a little bored. No in fact a lot bored. With my suburb condo, sometimes even with this sexy city. Walking on St-Catherine street, I wonder how many people care about me, no one. Who are we? Nobody. So why are we taking ourselves so seriously?

8 years. I could think in English and dream in French; I could talk about sex without blushing; I could go tell a young man that he is cute; I could smile at a friend saying : you know what, you suck! But I still could not leave my parents behind without thinking of my responsibilities; I still could not not want a beautiful steady everlasting love and a family; I still could not stop being a Chinese, no matter what passport I am holding.

8 years later, I am back to where I was. I have to find the answers to my question: what do you want? What makes you happy?

My own birthday wish is: God, help me find the answers.

And you, please help me pray.

Alone

Going through the tunnel...

The whole summer I have been feeling going through a tunnel...alone...

I don't see the light even though I have been telling myself: it will be over, soon. You have been there, done that...it could not be worse. I can't change lane because it is too dangerous, all the cars are so close to each other. I can't surpass anyone. I just need to stay where I am, driving, being focused in the dark, hoping one day, at one point, I am going to get through this...

It is possible I think. Patience. Someone told me this the first time we met.

和自己赛跑

这个夏天有些怪异。似乎要时刻准备着四季的衣服。然而今天艳阳高照,明媚异常. 他打来电话:"好吗?" " 不好." " 可天气很好,你应该出去跑步." 我一向不喜跑步. 对我而言跑步需要个目的,譬如打球；或者需要个对手,譬如竞技. 和自己赛跑对我没什么吸引力.他坚持:"去跑半个小时吧,对你减压有好处." " 半个小时? 我不行." " 你有两条腿,问什么不行?" 我沉默,我知道他在说什么.我们共同的一个朋友七年前出车祸双腿残疾,每当有人说:"我不能跑." 他总会直直地看着这个人说:"你有两条腿,为什么不能跑?" 最近压力很大.本来每日与八个女人共事，工作环境已属险恶。顶头上司怀着五个月的身孕另觅他职，新老板横竖跟我对不上眼。每日赐小鞋无数。我终于领教先祖们的教训：“欲加之罪，何患无辞？“ 偶尔和母亲汇报情况时提起办公室的政治斗争，明哲保身，趋炎附势之事屡见不鲜。母亲有些天真：“外国人也这样啊？“ 呵呵老妈“天下的乌鸦一般黑。“ 我于是穿上跑鞋,戴上我的iPod出了门. 我突然间发现居然有很多人在运动.一对夫妇穿着溜冰鞋推着小孩从我身边滑过;迎面跑来的人向我点头微笑;耳边音乐的韵律让我觉得像在随着音乐奔跑. 我开始有些喜欢跑步了. 20分钟后我的腿开始沉重,几次我都有偃旗息鼓之心.然而每次我都对自己说:"再坚持一下到前面的小路." " 再坚持一下到下个路口." 我突然间明白其实和自己赛跑是最大的竞技. 当我大汗淋漓回到家, 我真的觉得心情晴朗了很多. 路总是要坚持走下去,即便有时看不到希望,即便有时障碍重重, 只要坚持, 总能达到终点. 我打电话给他:" 谢谢你, 我战胜了自己."...