May 20, 2008
What about our children?
I was furious, with someone whom I care for a great deal.
The devastating earthquake in China has left tens of thousands of people homeless, helpless, and probably hopeless. I know that I can't do much except making some donation and I also know that the donation won't bring the deceased back to life, however, it will help the survivors cope with their pain, move on with their lives and rebuild their homes. It will also help the locals construct stronger school buildings, so hopefully no more young lives will be lost to the unpredictable nature again.
Individually we are small, a couple of hundred dollars may not help much but I believe that smalll things make big difference, I believe that the more we share with others, the more we will receive; I believe collectively we can help the needed and make the world better than it is.
I reached out to all my contacts, colleagues and friends for more help. And then this particular individual, let me down in an unaccpetable way. Basically he told me:" I will give you thousands of dollars in 10 years but now I have to invest in my asset...there are so many people who need help and I can't help everyone." I was furious, not because of his refusal to help, more because of his lacking humanity, the self-centerness. This is the same person who spent almost $1000 in restaurant last week but would not contribute 1/10 to those people who lost family, lost homes and lost hope. I was also sad, because I misjudged him. I thought he was bigger than he actually was.
I started to wonder about our next generation. What about our children? I don't want my future children to only care for themselves or their immediate family; I don't want my children to only focus on their own little world or their own races; I want my children to be able to share; I want my children to be able to love; I want my children to help others in need; I want my children to be empathetic; I want my chidren to know that they will receive more when they give...
I was furious because I can't help change your minds but please help yourselves, for the sake of your children.
Posted by pengbo at 2:57 PM | Comments (2)
July 22, 2007
和自己赛跑
这个夏天有些怪异。似乎要时刻准备着四季的衣服。然而今天艳阳高照,明媚异常.
他打来电话:"好吗?" " 不好." " 可天气很好,你应该出去跑步." 我一向不喜跑步. 对我而言跑步需要个目的,譬如打球；或者需要个对手,譬如竞技. 和自己赛跑对我没什么吸引力.他坚持:"去跑半个小时吧,对你减压有好处." " 半个小时? 我不行." " 你有两条腿,问什么不行?" 我沉默,我知道他在说什么.我们共同的一个朋友七年前出车祸双腿残疾,每当有人说:"我不能跑." 他总会直直地看着这个人说:"你有两条腿,为什么不能跑?"
最近压力很大.本来每日与八个女人共事，工作环境已属险恶。顶头上司怀着五个月的身孕另觅他职，新老板横竖跟我对不上眼。每日赐小鞋无数。我终于领教先祖们的教训：“欲加之罪，何患无辞？“ 偶尔和母亲汇报情况时提起办公室的政治斗争，明哲保身，趋炎附势之事屡见不鲜。母亲有些天真：“外国人也这样啊？“ 呵呵老妈“天下的乌鸦一般黑。“
我于是穿上跑鞋,戴上我的iPod出了门. 我突然间发现居然有很多人在运动.一对夫妇穿着溜冰鞋推着小孩从我身边滑过;迎面跑来的人向我点头微笑;耳边音乐的韵律让我觉得像在随着音乐奔跑. 我开始有些喜欢跑步了. 20分钟后我的腿开始沉重,几次我都有偃旗息鼓之心.然而每次我都对自己说:"再坚持一下到前面的小路." " 再坚持一下到下个路口." 我突然间明白其实和自己赛跑是最大的竞技.
当我大汗淋漓回到家, 我真的觉得心情晴朗了很多. 路总是要坚持走下去,即便有时看不到希望,即便有时障碍重重, 只要坚持, 总能达到终点. 我打电话给他:" 谢谢你, 我战胜了自己."
Posted by pengbo at 10:36 PM | Comments (1)
June 26, 2007
What does a pair of big boobs bring you?
I spent a long weekend with a crowd. One of the girls was young and beautiful, moreover, she had a pair of big boobs. I was fascinated by how a pair of big breasts influenced the gang: Almost all the men, by the way with their girlfriends besides them, could not take their eyes off her chest, some were more obvious, while some others were a bit subtle. They all tried in some way to impress her or thought aloud:" Her boyfriend is damn lucky, how can't my girlfriend have her breasts?" At that point, they might forget why they fell in love with their girlfriends, apprently not because of the big boobs. More interestingly, all the girls stared at her chest too. Some of them were envious, some of them were a little annoyed by their men's behavours. However everyone became so focused when she started to speak, no matter the topics were.
I find it so amusing. We could say: oh men are so superficial or use their bottom body to think or whatsoever, what about women? Does a pair of big breast threaten you? I can't help but wonder: What does a pair of big breasts really bring you? Confidence physically? Does it lead to a tendency that your intelligence could be underestimated or it gives you an extra channel to surprise people with your intelligence?
Maybe in the end, that pair of boobs, along with the porsche and the boat become the souvenirs of the long weekend and every man or woman will go back to their reality, realizing their women are not Pamela Anderson, of course they are not Brad Pitt either and more importantly, their life is more than a pair of boobs.
Until next time.
Posted by pengbo at 2:19 PM | Comments (1)
June 22, 2007
My wildest dream
It was my first time in months that I truly spent my evening in front of my 42" TV, my impulsive purchase. I still did not understand why I bought it since I barely watched TV until the other day a friend said, "because you are a libra". Ok, that explained it.
An old Oprah show was shouting on the screen talking about realizing people wildest dreams. Some people wanted cars, some people wanted to be with certain celebrities, some people just wanted to be in the show...a woman even wrote to her husband:" if you get me to see Oprah, I will give you sex on command for the rest of your life.." ( hmm, not a bad deal..)
As the excitement, the heat, the tears and the like played as background, I heard "me" ask a question to "myself":" Helen, what is your wildest dream?" And you know what, I could not think of one! I was so pathetic. I used to be a big dreamer and I was always proud of being an unrealistic dreamer. What happened to you Helen? Where were your inspirations, your passions, your hope and your fantasies? Did you allow yourself to be lost in the trivialities? Did you surrender to the practical world?
I, was, pathetic.
Also for the first time in a long time I prayed: God, please help me, help me continue to be able to dream, even in black and white.
Posted by pengbo at 11:04 PM | Comments (1)
February 26, 2007
Random thoughts
Time, like the sand in my hand, just slips through my fingers discreetly while I still feel that I have handful.
Here it is, the year of Pig. Another new year. A friend asks:"It is your new year! Any resolutions?"I laugh:"I don’t have new year’s resolution, but I have new day’s resolution!" I live my life one day at a time. The ring tone on my cell phone is "Happy Birthday" so I get a lot like:"Oh, is it your birthday today?" "It is my birthday every day.” Every morning I open my eyes, it is a brand-new day and I am still alive! I am not a pessimist or the like but I do know life is vulnerable and we never know what will happen tomorrow so all I can do is to make the most of today, which is called the present.
During the days when my hands are lazy in writing, my brain still catches some random thoughts:
*I found some old clothes which have been ignored for a few years. I decided to match them with something totally different all of sudden they become fashionable again. I can’t help but wonder whether relationships are the same. After some years when the passion fades away, when your significant other becomes your arm or leg (you don’t really feel it when you have it, but it hurts like hell when you cut it), maybe you should add some flavour in the relationship, try to change your pattern and it may be like my old clothes which turn to be something new again.
*Had lunch with a friend who mentioned sometimes he got irritated by his wife’s habits. He then said:’ that is my problem. She has been who she is for all her life. I just have to deal with it myself.’ We often think that as we grow our personality will change however as we grow, we become more and more who we really are. It is always a mistake trying to change someone. Some behaviours, some thoughts, might change. But personality fundamentally, never. All we can do is to find a way to accept and put up with it.
*In managing financial portfolio, we always say:’ Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.’ In a relationship, it is the same. Don’t count your happiness solely on your partner. Otherwise he/she will have too much pressure and if he/she lets you down, your whole world collapses. Continue your passion, your hobbies that make you happy. Have some great buddies who can lend you a shoulder when you are down, have one or two soul mates that you can share your inner thoughts with. Give some space to your partner. He/she needs it as much as you do. Sometimes we need to stay far to be closer.
*A colleague has to miss a meeting to attend his daughter’s audition. He says:” If I miss this meeting, it may not matter to your world But If I don’t show up at my daughter’s audition, her whole world will collapse.” Sometimes we forget who and what are more important to us. Our value is maximized if we give ourselves to those who consider us important and those we consider important.
Posted by pengbo at 2:31 PM | Comments (0)
January 20, 2007
Are you still on the train?
A great friend is leaving for another country. He calls to say good-bye. We tell jokes and talk about some light stuff, trying to avoid getting sentimental. Before he hangs up, he asks:" Am I still on the train?" I smile:" Yes you are." " Great, because I am not planning to get off."
The train. That comes from something I shared with many of my friends a while ago. Life is like a train journey. During the journey, some people get on while others get off. Some will be forever engraved in your heart even though they stay for a short while; Some others leave the train and their names are not even remembered. You may find someone who can be your life partner but he/she eventually gets on another train; Some others think you can be their life partner but you reserve the seat besides you for someone special... Sometimes people hesitate to get on or get off, you have to understand because we all have the same moments of hesitation and confusion. Some people promise to be on the train but for some reason they just miss it while some others just get on by accident but become your favorite passengers...
Alas how many people are still on your train? And how many people's trains are you on?
Have a beautiful train journey!
Posted by pengbo at 1:44 PM | Comments (0)
December 24, 2006
Merry Christmas!
When I drove over Champlain bridge it was past mid-night, so it was officially the holiday-----Christmas Eve. For me it was no different from any other day, I felt nothing. However like any other artificially defined significant days------birthday, New Year, anniversary, the holiday symbolized a new start, for whatever, at least for those who have been longing for it, like me.
A bunch of us crawled up in the sofa watching a chick flick called Something New. I could not stop coughing. This damned cold seemed to have fallen in love with me though I believed there should be a better lover than that. Someone asked me:" How are you Helen?" " I am just sick and tired." " Sick and tired of what?" " of nothing, I am just referring to the reality." " Oh then you should say you are tired and sick." Nice, the art of linguistics.
Every new start involves the reflection of the past. Usually we do the reflection on New Year's eve and pretend to have some new year's resolutions that rarely happen anyways. As eager as I want to have a new start, I am in the reflection mood, right now.
It has been an eventful year for me. I have experienced intensely emotional changes, in both my professional and personal life. Some part of my heart was damaged, some other part was built. I always believe that saying:" What does not kill you makes you stronger." However what makes me proud is that I am still wearing this smile, am still grateful for having many dear friends around me, who believe in me, who support me when I need a shoulder, who walk with me through tough times, who appreciate and love me for who I am; grateful for having a rich life experience which involves extreme joy and pain; grateful for having the freedom to do something that I am passionate about; grateful for not losing the ability to see beauty in ordinary things, grateful for being remembered and appreciated in different ways---------I have received many warm and beautiful words from strangers to thank me for making their life different through my pictures and my words.
Alas here I want to thank all of you who have read me, have cared for me, have shared some special moments with me. You have all contributed to my life in your unique way and you are all guaranteed to be in my thoughts.
Tired and sick though, I am smiling in front of my computer to you: Merry Christmas!
Posted by pengbo at 2:07 AM | Comments (0)
November 12, 2006
Sometimes People Come Into Your Life--Author Unknown
Sometimes people come into your life and you know
right away that they were meant to be there, to serve
some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help
you figure out who you are or who you want to become.
You never know who these people may be - a roommate, a
neighbor, a professor, a friend, a lover, or even a
complete stranger - but when you lock eyes with them,
you know at that very moment they will affect your
life in some profound way.
Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible,
painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you
find that without overcoming those obstacles you would
have never realized your potential, strength,
willpower, or heart.
Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness,
and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of
your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they
may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight
flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and
comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.
The people you meet who affect your life, and the
success and downfalls you experience, help to create
who you are and who you become. Even the bad
experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are
sometimes the most important ones.
If someone loves you, give love back to them in
whatever way you can, not only because they love you,
but because in a way, they are teaching you to love
and how to open your heart and eyes to things.
If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your
heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn
about trust and the importance of being cautious to
whom you open your heart.
Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take
from those moments everything that you possibly can
for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk
to people that you have never talked to before, and
listen to what they have to say.
Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your
sights high. Hold your head up because you have every
right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and
believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in
yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in
you.
You can make anything you wish of your life. Create
your own life and then go out and live it with
absolutely no regrets.
And if you love someone tell them, for you never know
what tomorrow may have in store.
Posted by pengbo at 4:13 PM | Comments (0)
July 17, 2006
Changes
I have been in the new position for two weeks and my VP announced this morning that she will resign from the company. Again, uncertainty. Whose hand our group will be in, what the new vision will be, what change it will have on each individual…uncertain. I was surprised by the news but not very surprised overall with changes. My life has been fairly dramatic in the past six months and I have realized that there are things that you just can’t control. Changes are inevitable. The only thing you can do is to face them and deal with them.
I classify changes into two categories: reactive change and proactive change.
Reactive change happens beyond our control, most likely unexpectedly and we, as human beings naturally resist it at the very beginning. Because it breaks our patterns, it disturbs our routines; it brings uncertainty to our life and it alters our plans. It means that we have to rebuild something, which is not always easy. By nature we are lazy. I often get the comments like: I am too lazy to change a job, too lazy to renovate the house, too lazy to get divorced…they need others (sometimes the situation) to make decision for them, then they will react because they have no choice. e.g if the person is laid off, if the house is leaking heavily, if the other party insists a divorce…
Proactive change, on the other hand, is more voluntary, more planned. It may take long time to make that change happen but it is less shocking. Sometimes it is a judgement or a decision in some difficult situation. They may not have all the information you need, they may not be 100% sure the change will always be positive, but they feel an urge to change, an urge to challenge the status quo.
I remembered some lines from a movie “ Shall We Dance?”
" The rest is up to you." I tell my client. Every few years they come back so I have these snapshots in my head of how they 've changed over the years. The ones who've changed the most finally bought that boat, moved to the island. Those who haven't changed I supposed they take comfort in knowing that course thier lives are on. They like to believe they know what lies ahead.
Posted by pengbo at 7:14 PM | Comments (0)
May 20, 2006
Montreal-Beijing
I am leaving in 5 hours.
See you later Montreal!
Posted by pengbo at 1:31 AM | Comments (0)
February 20, 2006
Drama
I was holding my hot green tea, passing by my boss's office. He stopped me.
" Helen, you have 2 minutes?"
"Sure. You have some news to share?" Cause' his face was full of strange emotions.
" Yeah..I am sorry but I have to tell you that your job is cut, so is mine, and some others."
"Oh. When did you get the news?"
" 2 minutes ago."
" When is our last day?"
"This Friday."
"Oh."
I walked out his office, with my grean tea still hot in hand.
Posted by pengbo at 9:33 PM | Comments (0)
November 23, 2005
A smile makes all the difference
I almost see him every day in the bus.
He sits still, with not much facial expression, not reading, not listening to music, not chatting with anyone. Occasionally I catch him sleeping, which is his only activity except sitting still.
I am not even sure he notices me. His eyes always sway away when there is a possible eye contact. Must be a very introvert person, I think aloud.
When the bus arrives, I usually take the escalator to go up to my office. I open the door and I always hold it for the next person. The other day I looked back while I held the door, it was him. Not much facial expression but the eye contact showed the appreciation. Yesterday I opened the door again and looked back, it was him again, this time he smiled. This morning, I took the bus at the different time. I slept through the bus ride and did not bother looking at anyone in the bus. I opened the door, as usual, looked back, it was him again, but this time with a huge smile and a big ‘Merci’ ….
The smile completely changes my perception of him. I even think he has a vivid face now.
Sometimes all we need is a smile.
Posted by pengbo at 6:06 PM | Comments (0)
November 21, 2005
from a picture...
I stole a shot of her with tears and that for me was a precious moment . She liked the picture but she was afraid that she might be too old for a close shot. That reminded me of a portrait of myself. That was for sure not my most beautiful image but this one was one of my favourites.
In my whole life I could have thousands of pictures with the perfect pose, perfect expression, perfect lighting, perfect skin, perfect hair…..but how many of them will capture my mood, my feelings and my emotions as vivid as this one? I believe over the years, this one will be more precious than any other pretty ones.
Another topic I want to touch is age. I am never afraid of telling my real age. You can’t stop aging, just as you can’t stop the seasons from changing. Your age is how old you want yourself to be. I believe every age has its unique beauty. When you are in your 20s, you can be innocent, energetic, dreamy, fearless and curious and of course, your skin, your hair, your shining and clear eyes are the reflection of one word: youth. When you are in your 30s, you are no longer wrinkle free, but your elegance, your class, your grace, you maturity, you wisdom and your rich life experience will add much more depth to your appearance. I remember Abraham Lincoln has said something like before 40 your parents are responsible for your appearance but after 40, YOU are the one who is responsible for it. So, don’t worry about age, just appreciate and enjoy the unique beauty it brings to you.
This was what I told her.
Posted by pengbo at 9:31 PM | Comments (0)
October 24, 2005
Life is what we make it...
After witnessing and experiencing many complicated situations in the past few months, I can’t help sighing: Everyone has different problems. If one has not problems at work, she/he might have the problems with their love life, or with the kids, or with the health, or with the relationship with friends....
When I gave my “life is complicated” comment, a friend over IM just said:” Life is what we make it…”
That put me into silence for a while. No one’s life is easy. Each day we are facing different problems and each day we have to make different decisions. Sometimes it is a big life decision which bothers us. However it all depends on our attitude. We could make our life depressing if we only see the empty half of the bottle; We could make our life cheerful even in the rainy days if we believe that we will see the rainbow afterwards; We could make it complicated and overwhelming if we are preoccupied with all the troubles; we could also make it easier if we can let go some of the burdens and walk firmly towards where we want to go.
Life is short, and it does not stop regardless we are happy or not.
Believe me, we can make our life beautiful.
Posted by pengbo at 10:09 PM | Comments (0)
September 14, 2005
曾经的偶像
晚上9点走在多伦多的大街上，居然看到人流攒动，有些惊讶。似乎不太像多伦多的风格。经同事提醒才恍然大悟原来是电影节。经过某个影院看见长长的队伍似乎等待某个明星的到来，有些感慨地想：偶长这么大曾否崇拜过某个偶像尼？
搜肠刮肚地想了半天，无限感慨地发现我实际上也未能免俗，我曾经无限热爱过某个明星。那时我上初中，每天经过卖不干胶的小摊儿，粘在那儿查阅自己是否漏掉哪张。我攒了两大本子她的胶贴画，每天都在想：她怎么可以那么美呢？那时家里新买的电视是整个院子男女老少的宝贝。一放学就冲回家看她----翁美玲。
翁美玲就是黄蓉， 似乎是毋庸置疑天经地义的事情。 她的一颦一笑一娇一嗔一招一式就是活脱脱金庸笔下的黄蓉。其实周迅应该明白这个道理，你虽然也活泼可爱，但你怎么可以取代那个人们心中根深蒂固的蓉儿呢？就如刘晓庆再怎么使尽浑身解数，人们想起凤姐也非邓捷莫属。
现在想来很难说翁美玲二十几岁为情所困而香消玉陨是否值得。但至少汤镇业同学为此付出惨痛代价，事业一蹶不振，永远被着害死翁美玲的骂名。也是的，要是你爱上个什么章小惠之类的，她也不会为你死，说不定世人还同情你呢。 想想还真是年轻啊！年轻时眼里心里只有爱，爱是至高无上的，愿意为爱付出生命的代价。可能因为我曾经那么喜爱你，舍不得骂你傻。可是你还真是。。。糊涂啊。丫头，这世间感情是没有一成不变的，如果你活着，你会发现，爱和伤害是孪生姐妹，形影相随的。 爱是经历， 是感受； 伤也是经历，是感受。挺过去了，回头想想，不过是人生一段插曲而已，你却让这段插曲成为永恒！
然而我又问自己：自己之所以尊她为偶像正是因为她选择在高潮时谢幕不留一点余地呢？
Posted by pengbo at 9:04 PM | Comments (0)
August 11, 2005
My company last night
I did not sleep well last night.
For the first time in my life, I allowed a cat sleep in my bed. It was surely an exception.
I never really liked cat, in fact at one point disliked cat at all. When I was a kid, cats did not leave me a fond memory at all. One cat jumped on me and scratched my arm and even now I can recall my not so pleasant scream. Also, I always thought that cat was a little cunning, crafty, disloyal and lazy. Above all, I was born in the year of rat, oh no I prefer to say mouse, (cuter, huh?) so I have a very decent reason not to like cats.
Having said that, I could not dislike the 2 cats in the family where I stay right now. One of them was called Maou. He was grey and soft and….adorable. I hated to admit, but yes. Her recent new hairstyle made him look a little funny but very fashionable.
Last night it was humid and hot. My room was in the basement so it was one of best places in the house. Apparently Maou noticed that too. When I came back from a movie Horloge Biologique , I found him lying on my bed comfortably. He looked at me as if I was the guest. “Good evening Sir, this is MY bed, OK? And I need to sleep! Could you please...? He, instead of leaving, extended all his body on my bed with a sweet “miao”, trying to bribe me. “ Fine, but just one night!” During the night, I was always afraid that I might kick him so I crawled my body carefully trying not to move much and I opened my eyes several times to check him up.
This morning when I finally opened my eyes, he was gone. Bastard! I went out to check him up. He was having his breakfast and apparently very satisfied. “Do you know how many men are jealous of you, Maou?” He sort of gave me I-do-not-care look. But I knew that little bastard has changed my perception of cats.
Posted by pengbo at 12:40 AM | Comments (0)
June 25, 2005
Independence
After coming back from my first golf game this year, I was completely soaked. It was hot, hot and hot. All I wanted was a "cold" bath. However I found the plug of my bath tub was not working well, something seemed wrong with the springs. I played with it for a good 10 minutes, then I gave up. "Damn, I need a man!" I talked to a girlfriend through IM. She said:" Aren't you independent?" I knew she was joking, but still, it made me think what "independence" really meant.
Being independent is not just that you can fix your light bulb or your toilet, is more that you keep a complete identity emotionally and mentally. You don't assume that others are responsible for taking care of your life, your emotions and your happiness and you don't count solely on other's help and support to be able to maintain a quality life. You can support yourself financially; you have your own friends, own hobbies or passions about life, in another word, your own world. To your family and friends, you may need help sometimes, but you are never a burden; you may be emotionally imbalanced for a while but you know how to adjust it yourself. You give and you take, but you don't assume. It does not matter whether you live with others or by yourself. Independence is a state of mind.
Also, speaking of independent woman, an independent woman is still a woman above all. People sometimes assume that an independent woman does not need help or caring or attention. An independent woman is not a superwoman. There are things in life that she might not be capable of handling herself. She would appreciate if someone shares with her some tough moments, recognizes her needs and helps her go through. The difference is that without all these, she still can find other ways out without feeling self pity.
I always think I am an independent woman but I still need a man to fix my bath plug for me, and I am not ashamed of it. :D
Posted by pengbo at 3:44 PM | Comments (0)
April 22, 2005
我爱你与你无关
沾了徐静蕾的《一封陌生女人的来信》的光，歌德同学很久以前的一句"我爱你与你无关."开始在中国流行起来。初看这句话觉得有些玩儿炫。细细品来这是一句勇敢的宣言。
“我爱你与你无关。”
是的，有的时候我爱你不是因为你是你，而是因为我爱和你一起时的自己。和你在一起，你可以把我生命里最美的东西挖掘出来，让我发光，让我灿烂，让我夺目，让我对着镜子喜欢自己。于是你让我觉得值得爱，因为你是那个懂我的人，可以让我生命更丰富，更绚丽的人。
有时候我爱你和你无关，而是因为我想爱，我需要爱，我血液里流着燃烧的激情，而你在那一时刻出现，于是我爱了你。爱有时是偶然，是特定的时间空间，特定的对爱的定义，爱的理解，爱的需要。
而有时，我爱你是因为我可以给你你需要的爱。那种被需要的感觉让我觉得我的爱有价值，我的爱被接受和珍惜。于是我爱你，爱我可以给予的成就感， 但与你无关。
还有时，我爱你是爱你留给我的记忆，所有宝贵的瞬间记录了我曾经燃烧过，痴迷过，投入过。而你让那一刻真实地存在，你见证了我的爱，这与你爱不爱我没有关系，更多的是你曾经证明过我有爱的能力。
其实很多时候，真的，我爱你与你无关。
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Posted by pengbo at 10:04 PM | Comments (0)
April 20, 2005
About "share"
The discussion of “share” actually started with my flickr photos…A great friend of mine commented as such:
” I think that sharing pictures with people, even if you don’t know them personally or haven’t seen them, is sharing in a way something very intimate. You share with them glimpses of how you see the world, or even how you see yourself (where you are your own model). You share your «artistic» sensibility and creativity as well. In a way I find that it is courageous.”
I replied with:
“When it comes to art, a very important thing is to “share”. A painting, a movie, a piece of music, a book…The artists share their perspectives, their creations, their feelings, their emotions, their discoveries ….their love with thousands of strangers in this world, which is wonderful. Otherwise we will not be able to enjoy a lot of beautiful things in this world. As for me, I am a real amateur..:P (maybe a little better than my golf ) but I share one passion with virtual people: photography. No matter they are good or bad, I look at their pictures and I learn how they see the world, how they express themselves through cameras, how different they see the same thing from I do…One of the amazing things about photography is that one photograph can be interpreted in different ways. People see it from different angles and capture different things. I also want to know what the reflections of my photos are from strangers’ eyes. With friends, I share more about myself as a person and with them I share more about my work. When I am my own model, I am no long just myself, I am part of my work…”
……
I have been pondering about “share” for a long while. And I think we all have a “shared” life. By that I mean, for example, if you are with someone (could be a lover or just a friend) for either long or short period, you two actually will develop something in common, either habits, hobbies, the way of talking, some special words only you two understand, taste of food, restaurants you like…etc etc. And it becomes part of you. When you meet another one, you have brought those things to this new person. You have a shared experience with both of them. And in fact those two people are sharing a lot of things indirectly even though they don’t even know each other. Life is funny, isn’t it?
We share our life with different people at different moments and they are the witnesses of our life.
Posted by pengbo at 6:38 PM | Comments (0)
March 9, 2005
Cleaning Up the Past
My new computer arrived. Looked fresh and innocent.
I started to tidy up my files in my old computer. Until then have I realized that how much past I have stored and what indeed has occupied my space. Some were the old memories that were long forgotten while some were just pure junk. Why did I save the junks? Maybe at that time I considered them useful as well? When would I clean them up if my computer did not perform occasional strikes on me?
We all need a perfect timing to tidy up the past, like moving, like quitting a job, like ending a love story. Life is a long journey and we can not carry all the burden of the past. We need to take whatever we consider valuable with us and not hesitate to discard the rest. This reminds me of an e-mail conversation with a friend who often sinks in nostalgia. I wrote:
"It is wonderful to cherish what you have experienced. However you could always save the memory in some special safety box without taking up your current space. If your heart is full by holding all the past, how can the new fresh greetings come in? When you spend a lot of time mourning for the loss in the past, you will also miss the beautiful present, the awakening of the dawn, the dew on the roses, the smell of the earth in spring, the caress of the snowflakes……”
It is the time. Time to clean up, time to move on. I start to d-e-l-e-t-e……without reluctance.
Posted by pengbo at 11:05 PM | Comments (0)
March 7, 2005
Weird Kissing...
I stepped on the escalator and was kind of surprised by what I saw. A couple was kissing on the escalator. I was not surprised by the fact that they were kissing, but the way that they were kissing. The girl was standing one step higher facing the guy, all parts of the body kept certain distance except the lips. No holding tight, no hand in hand, no gazing at each other, nothing. It looked like that they were experimenting something with the lips. When they got off the first escalator, they walked separately with the hands in their respective pockets. No any intimate behaviors at all. Then they took the second escalator. They started kissing again. All the same.
I refrained myself from the strong desire of taking their pictures. My hand had already touched my camera in my purse, and then I stopped there. There were no others around, only us three. I did not want to embarrass them or be embarrassed if they were mad. Yet it was rather strange kissing pose, almost incomprehensive. I could not feel the passion, I could not feel the intimacy, I could not feel the love, I could not feel anything except the action of 4 lips.
Kissing to me is one of the most beautiful moments in a collision of the passion. Sometimes it is much more beautiful than making love. It is a symbol of intimacy: You see the fire in his eyes, you read each and every inch of his face, you see the trembling lips with desire, he then reaches out his hand, his fingers tenderly caress your cheek, your eyelids, your lips and finally covers them with his...
If some sex behaviors are considered more animal driven, kissing is definitely not. I have read some comments from some men who had sex with prostitutes saying that they never kiss them. I guess one of the reasons could be that they don't want to create that intimacy, they don't want the bond and they just want to finish the deal.
I have been thinking about the couple's kissing all the way home and I still could not get it....
Posted by pengbo at 11:03 AM | Comments (0)
February 19, 2005
Quality Friends
I was invited to a dinner with a bunch of lawyers. To be honest, there are two professions I don't really like, even though they are well respected. One is the doctor and the other is the lawyer. (Qingchun, sorry you are the exception. :P)
At the table a French Canadian who was actually very friendly asked me:" Where do you usually go out?" I answered:" I don't go out often." He looked at me as if I was some alien. I figured that he must have thought "What a boring woman!" I looked at him straight in the eye and just smiled, without explanation.
I don't need to explain anything. This is simply not the lifestyle that I choose. I don't mind going out having a drink with friends or dancing once in a while, when I feel like it. I have seen some people even some of my friends who start their weekend by going to a bar, getting a beer, shouting at each other in the noise of music and the smell of smoke, then going to another bar, doing the same thing then going to a club and dancing in the smoke until 3am next day......If this is what it means going out, I 'd rather stay in. Life is short, I would like to spend some quality time with family or friends whom I can share a lot with or just myself.
As I am getting older, I am more conscious of how little time I have and how much I want to do in life. QUALITY is never so important in my dictionary. Therefore I become more picky, even in choosing friends. I need quality friends.
In my eyes, there are some different type of friends categorized as such:
Doorway friends----With those friends you smile and say hello bonjour ni hao...then bye au revoir zaijian.
Living room friends----With those friends you can talk about weather, fashion, film, politics and maybe gossips... sometimes you can share some coffee and tea...or even a beer to have a relaxing time and some fun.
Kitchen friends----those friends who can come to your kitchen not only to share the real food with you, but also the spiritual food. They can sit or stand in your kitchen, talking about something that touches you, inspires you or motivates you, or simply listening to your pain, your sorrow and giving you a hug when needed.
Balcony friends----Some people stay distant, but only by staying distant can they be beautiful in your eyes.So you just keep the distance, appreciating each other from far...and still enjoy. You don't think of them very often, but whenever you do, you feel warm and you will wave your hand from time to time...
Bedroom friends---With those friends you share a lot of intimacy and pleasure. Those are the limited ones to whom you open up with heart and soul, you tell the little secrets, you are more real to them than anyone else, you don't mind being caught the next morning with messy hair and pale face...
As time goes by I would prefer to spend more time with kitchen friends and bedroom friend, occasionally wave to balcony friends and occasionally entertain some living room friends.
What do you have and what do you prefer?
Posted by pengbo at 10:46 PM | Comments (1)
February 9, 2005
Clear the Cache
Her: Your website does not display properly.
Him: Try "reload".
Her: Now it works. Why?
Him: Because you did not clear the cache.
Oh yeah, sometimes we need to clear the cache.
How many old memories we have about a person, an object or an event? Some pictures are imprinted in our mind, forming certain perceptions. We kind of naturally ignore their evolvement, not intentionally though.
Last year I went back to Beijing and had some tea with my first love. He picked a kind of jasmine tea and said:" I know this is your favorite." Oh dear friend, your memory stays in 15 years ago. Now I like something else. You need to clear the cache.
My best friend Y once was worried about me, especially my love life. Because what I left in her mind before I left for Canada was still the image of a sensitive, love-above-everthing and easily-hurt woman. Not long ago, she told me from the other half of the globe, " I don't worry about you any more. I will not use the old perception to judge you because now you know who you are, what you want and where you are going." I was glad, glad that she cleared the cache.
How many times we run across someone whom we loved with heart and soul only to find a total stranger? How many times we find an ordinary old house one day turned out to the most beautiful paradise?
A man once acted as a bastard might appear as the sweetest person one day. Maybe he grows up from his mistakes, maybe he meets someone in his life who makes the best out of him, maybe something unexpected happens in his life and totally changes his behavior. We would not be surprised to see the opposite though.
So must be open-minded. Must give others and ourselves chances. Must clear the cache frequently.
Posted by pengbo at 8:41 PM | Comments (0)
February 2, 2005
Time is Irreversible
我的同事的父亲在Paris去世了, 他黯然地对我说, 我应该多陪陪他, 总以为还有时间…
和朋友多久没聚会了?
------既然在同一座城市, 还有时间…
和父母家人多久没一起吃饭了?
------太忙了, 等我有时间…
和远方的好友很久没通信了?
------事情太多, 等有空写封E-mail…
和爱人多久没有手牵手黄昏漫步了?
------等我忙过这一段, 让我补给她…
很熟悉的对话. 我们总以为还有时间:可时间常常冷眼看我们, 和我们做我们永远不会赢的游戏. 于是有一天, 我们突然发现, 我们永远地失去了做时间主人的权利. 我们的亲人走了, 而我们还没来得及告诉他们我们爱他们; 我们的朋友离开了, 而我们记忆里的他们还是若干年前的样子.
我们忙. 永远很忙. 忙的没有时间多爱自己一点, 忙的没有时间多爱我们想爱的人.有时我想, 如果我爱的人在这个世上只有一个月的时间, 我会如何. 我想我不会再和他争执谁对谁错;不再去想谁爱谁多一点. 我会珍惜和他的每一个微笑, 每一个眼神, 每一个拥抱, 每一次亲吻, 我会每天告诉他我爱他, 感谢他在我生命里的存在. 因为我知道我将很快不会再拥有. 可我们为什么一定要等到最后的一刻才开始珍惜呢? 在我们的生命里每个人都是过客, 或长或短. 如果对每个人我们都假设这是他/她在我们生命里的最后的日子那我们的生活会不会多出很多爱的瞬间?
So my dear friends, if I only had one month to live, would you love me differently?
While I was writing this, I heard this song:)
Days pass me by just like moments
There here and then they're gone for good, for good
I work so hard at where I'm going
I wonder what I've missedI can't remember the last time
I picked up the phone just to talk
For hours on end
Or sent a birthday card unbelated
Maybe I should slow downChorus
Life doesn't wait for us to get it right
Day after night
It just goes on when it goes wrong
It goes and then it's gone
So I'm gonna do my best
To make the most of it
Avoid regret, Yeah
Take a breath and relize
Time is irreversible
This ain't no dress rehearsalI've always got a big to-do list
Oh, but there's so much more to do, to see
I want to
Know that I didn't leave I love yous
Trapped within my heart
There won't always be another day to
Say all the things you wanna say, so don't, don't wait
Wait for the perfect situation
It will never come aroundChorus
And when the show is over
And they lay me down
I want to be remembered for the love I spread around
Dawn Johnson Carolyn---Dress Rehearsal
Posted by pengbo at 2:31 AM | Comments (0)
January 13, 2005
EX in life
许多人不愿打开”EX file” 因为EX 之所以成为EX,通常意味着不圆满的过去, 意味着不美好的记忆,意味着痛苦与伤害. 许多人在提起EX时仍然有恨, 有怨, 有悔, 有憾.
我们常说:时间可以医治一切的伤痛. 于是我们等待, 等待血淋淋的伤口愈合结疤.到一天疤痕还在, 但不痛了.
我相信时间的魔力. 但把疗伤的大权全权交给时间,于我是被动的等待.
越来越相信” Life is by choice”这句话. 的确, 生活中有很多东西我们无法控制, 但我们在可以控制的空间内选择,譬如选择怨恨与报复, 或是原谅与忘记. 有人说” You can choose to be happy or miserable, the amount of effort is the same.” 当然, 不是说我们决定选择了原谅与忘记, 所有的伤痛就立时消失了. 原谅与忘记是一个艰难的功课, 需要时间的配合. 但我们选择了原谅, 就放下了沉重的十字架, 就不必背负着过去的包袱前行.
实际上所有的EX都曾以不同的方式塑造我们的生命. 他们让我们体会什么是刻骨铭心的爱, 什么是痛心彻骨的伤. 他们给了我们无数人生的体验, 他们给思念,牵挂,缠绵,销魂这些词赋予了生命. 他们让我们成长, 即便有时是在苦痛中成长. 我们每一个人能成为今天的我们都应该感激EX们的存在. 纵使他们不再以同一种方式在我们的生活里, 我们依然可以看到他们留下的生命的痕迹.
此刻, 我所有曾爱过的面孔从我眼前闪过, 而我的心里只有感激: 谢谢你们曾让我快乐过.
Posted by pengbo at 1:59 AM | Comments (0)