海伦, une aventure

December 23, 2008

Nostalgic

Two days before Christmas, I drove to work as usual, with my cheerful smile, as usual. Except that I was nostalgic.

It all began with a friend's facebook status:" Have I told you lately that I love you ". Since that moment, I have been playing that song over and over again in my head. Since then I am wrapped by this beautiful but nostalgic feeling.

Her e-mail arrived just in time, like a fresh bagel on a saturday morning. I enjoyed reading her stories and tried to picture her arm wrestling with a Swedish woman in a park in Austria. Then this word of the day just jumped to my eyes: nostalgic. She has been thinking a lot about what happened this year, some special person, some special moments...What a good timing!

I opened his card again today. A beautiful little buddah sitting in pink roses. My french has never been better because I have sensed all the nostalgic emotions beneath the seemingly calm tone.

I always believe people come to our lives with a mission. Some of them have completed it and some of them are still working on it. Every story has an end even though sometimes we don't want to accept it, like sitting in the movie listening to the last tune of the music. Everything has an expire date, some are longer than others if we are lucky. Very often we seal certain memories and put them in the box and we know that when we open it, conciously or unconciously, " nostalgic" will be the word.

Let me just say that holidays make us nostalgic, so let's blame holidays.

Posted by pengbo at 11:47 AM | Comments (2)

October 14, 2008

Audience in life

I watch you from far. The beam of light drops on your red dress and outlines your face with tenderness and mystery. You are singing in a language that is completely foreign to me. But I feel that I understand your passion, your emotions and your sentiment as music is a universal language. The audience is excited by you and their excitement in return gives you inspiration. You need an audience. Don’t we all? We need someone to listen to us, to understand us, to appreciate our qualities, to recognize our effort, to help us improve and grow. We all need witness in life. No man is an island himself.

Tonight, I am yours. You don't even know who I am but I hear your passion and see your color.

Posted by pengbo at 9:09 PM | Comments (1)

October 1, 2008

Summer is over

I have been away, not just physically, for quite a while. When I come back to this deserted garden, I feel a bit guilty. The voyage is long and tiring. My life is slipped in packing, unpacking and packing again. Some days I think I see the rainbow on an August sky, yet when I reach out my hands, I only grasp a few footnotes of the wind.

I am tired, for a long time. It is not until recently that I realize that I am the one to blame because I let my energy to be consumed, I let my inspirations to be taken away, I let my body and soul float and never land. For the first time in many years, I am not curious any more, I don't always think of exploration, experiments and discovery, I want stability, a routine, a tranquil Sunday morning without thinking where I have to live.

The summer is finally over, in my heart, unfortunately.

Posted by pengbo at 3:08 PM | Comments (1)

March 6, 2008

Waterlily

I turn on the music in the car. FM 92.5 is always cheerfully noisy. John Mayer covers my silent tears. I do not know why I cry but a strong tide of emotion just roars in my heart, then flows out of my eyes.

In those moments when days blend with nights, I sink in the greyness and wish that I could stay there for a while but my tears are telling me that the line is clearer than ever no matter how diligently I have tried to avoid it. The tears are also a mourning, mourning about the closed door to my heart, once widely open.

I always believe that I was born out of water. Water calms me down in a very intimate way. So when you ask me:" Who are you? What do you want?" questions that we ask ourselves millions of times along the whole life journey, I suddenly realize that I am a waterlily and you are a cactus.

Posted by pengbo at 8:25 PM | Comments (7)

March 4, 2008

New shoes, traffic and closet

I have been in my "new shoes" for 2 months. I often refer to any new change--- new job, new relationship, new house, new born etc to a pair of new shoes. No matter how beautiful they look like, it always takes time to get comfortable with. So my new shoes this time, basically my new job, have deprived me from having a normal life. I have returned to the basic layer of Maslow's pyramid-----If I have time to eat, sleep and take a bath, I am kind of happy. Yet the new shoes still hurt.

The new job also changes my routine. I no longer have the luxury to get up at 8am and read in the bus or stare at some good-looking men ( not too many though) or simply doze off. I am forced to be a morning bird, driving 1-2 hours to get to work, at the mercy of the traffic. And speaking of traffic, isn't that wonderful way to kill life? Sometimes I am stuck, not moving at all. Nowhere to escape and nowhere to turn back, like sometimes in life. However eventually I go through, I pass it, like sometimes in life too.

While I am accelerating one aspect of my life, I kind of put the rest in the closet: no time to update my blog or write back those caring friends who hope to read new postings; no time to create some pleasurable moments behind the camera; no time to read much except those related to work...what am I doing?

It is March, all I hope is to get out my new shoes, get out the traffic and get out the closet, to see Spring...

Posted by pengbo at 10:04 PM | Comments (7)

October 24, 2007

A perfect day

No sangrila in the park, but still a perfect day.

Starbucks in Chapters. A small latté. A book. I sat by the window, where my friend Karl used to sit, watching people crossing the street. They walked in their own world, thinking about what made them happy or sad, thinking about what would be on the dinner menu, thinking about not being late to pick up the kids in daycare or thinking about, nothing. They never knew that someone was watching them, watching a fraction of their life, just like me, not knowing who is reading me, my life, my joy and sadness. Fascinating. Occasionally, someone looked up. Our eyes crossed path through the big window, I'd smile.

Some chapters of my life, someone or some moments would immerse from my memory like a movie while I was watching others' life. Some of those back then would make me feel extremely painful or sad, while right now would only make me smile.

It's a perfect day. A day to watch people and smile.

Posted by pengbo at 11:04 PM | Comments (3)

September 27, 2007

34.99 years old wish

Here I am. 34.99 years old. asking myself the same question 20 years ago: What do you want?

If life experience could sell for money, I must be at least a millionnaire. If being kind and generous can make one live longer, I think I could live at least 200 years. I doubt it will be much fun though to live that long without teeth. Sometimes I evaluate my assets and I see a lot as the intangible ones. Then I smile, as if I am really rich.

I am a little bored. No in fact a lot bored. With my suburb condo, sometimes even with this sexy city. Walking on St-Catherine street, I wonder how many people care about me, no one. Who are we? Nobody. So why are we taking ourselves so seriously?

8 years. I could think in English and dream in French; I could talk about sex without blushing; I could go tell a young man that he is cute; I could smile at a friend saying : you know what, you suck! But I still could not leave my parents behind without thinking of my responsibilities; I still could not not want a beautiful steady everlasting love and a family; I still could not stop being a Chinese, no matter what passport I am holding.

8 years later, I am back to where I was. I have to find the answers to my question: what do you want? What makes you happy?

My own birthday wish is: God, help me find the answers.

And you, please help me pray.

Posted by pengbo at 12:48 AM | Comments (9)

September 8, 2007

Going through the tunnel...

The whole summer I have been feeling going through a tunnel...alone...

I don't see the light even though I have been telling myself: it will be over, soon. You have been there, done that...it could not be worse. I can't change lane because it is too dangerous, all the cars are so close to each other. I can't surpass anyone. I just need to stay where I am, driving, being focused in the dark, hoping one day, at one point, I am going to get through this...

It is possible I think. Patience. Someone told me this the first time we met.

Posted by pengbo at 9:37 PM | Comments (0)

July 7, 2007

those moments

He is standing there on the emergency road. His car is a wreck. He looks hopeless and helpless. I drive him by but could not do anything because I am on the highway.

Don't we all have those moments in life that we are feeling hopeless and helpless, like him? Even others would love to help, they just can not. We just need to take a deep breath and hold on, do whatever we can do to survive the every second that tortures us.

I am sad that I could not do anything but let him be helpless.

That sucks. Really.

Posted by pengbo at 12:22 AM | Comments (0)

April 27, 2007

Breathe

Wind and rain seems never a good combination. Yet it is a good excuse for my feeling blue.

I have been running for a while, my rhythm of breathing can’t match my pace of running. I need to breathe. Stop and breathe.

Walking through a moving crowd underground, I saw no one. The whole world was just a moving background, only I and my iPod existed. Damien Rice was whispering “ Accidental babies” …

Do you come
Together ever with him?
And is he dark enough
Enough to see your light?
And do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
Do you miss my smell?
And is he bold enough to take you on?
Do you feel like you belong?
And does he drive you wild?
Or just mildly free?
What about me?

Damien Rice. Blower’s Daughter. Closer. I have an urge to watch that movie for the 5th time. Who said women were not logical? I was impulsively logical and logically impulsive. I walked to 3 music stores to get this DVD. Finally. Yes. That would be perfect for a gloomy Friday, for a woman who needed to breathe, in her own world.

Posted by pengbo at 4:16 PM | Comments (0)

January 7, 2007

你是我胸口永远的痛

It has been a decade. 10 years. The same day. You always manage to come to my dreams no matter how many times I have intentionally tried to forget.

How many 10 years do we have?

We always say, time will heal. Yes it will. We always say, pain is like the cut on your heart, when it is fresh, you see the blood and it hurts, but when it heals, there will be a scar but it does not hurt any more. Is 10 years long enough not to hurt? But why do I still feel the sharp pain? How many more time do I need? Another 10 years or forever?

I know you have been watching me, for the past 10 years. You have watched me grow, watch me experience, watch me love, watch me suffer, watch me laugh, watch me cry, watch me learn from the past, watch me try to become a better person. I don't have much accomplishment to boast and the only thing I could say loud is that I HAVE LIVED MY LIFE. I don't have much money, but enough to make me happy; I don't have a big job, but I enjoy doing it; I am alone in this country called Canada but I have many great friends who are like my family; I live a simple life everyday but I always allow myself to have dreams...Of course there are things that remain unchanged: I still don't like taking any medicines when I am sick unless it is absolutely necessary; I still wear high-heels except in the gym or at home; I still joke with Mom and Dad as if they are my brother and sister and most importantly, I still smile.

I often wonder what your life would be like or my life would be like if you were still alive. I am sure that you would still share your little secrets with me, as you always did about your dreams, your school, maybe your jobs later on, the women you would fall in love with and possibly break your heart...I would always listen to you, tease you, give you my advices based on my bloody experience and laugh with you, as I always did.

What is the difference between being alive and dead? Some people are alive, but they no longer exist and contribute anything to your life and you don't even think of them, are they literally dead to you? While some others are gone, but they always manage to make some space in your heart and have impact on your life, can you assume that they are alive?

Therefore my dear brother, give me your forever young smile and wish me a good night. And you know, you will always be alive, in my dreams.

Posted by pengbo at 12:32 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 1, 2007

A drunk year-end

2pm. The first day of the new year.

I managed to open my eyes, my eye lids seemed heavy enough to cover the whole world. I also made a huge cappuccino to make sure that I was really awake.

My house was left without any decency except my bedroom. All my CDs were scattered around the floor, the candles stood there like exhausting statues with tears on the street of Paris, the dark coal in the fireplace just showed that it was once beautiful and passionate, the wrapping paper was torn everywhere under the Christmas tree and the numerous bottles were lying in different poses laughing at me. Yes I had a party and I was drunk. It was obviously awful and awfully obvious.

Apparently there were more evidence of my being drunk---------the pictures someone intelligently took using my camera, some incoming phone calls this morning, no this afternoon precisely, to ask me whether I was recovered and some vague memories of my leaving some messages on someone's voice box. For the first time in my life, I did not feel apologetic for being drunk given limited number of times that happened. I seemed to have all the decent reasons, or subconsciously I indulged myself in doing so. In any case, it was me last year, wasn't it? When I was young and silly, or I should say younger and sillier?

So there was it. Another year was officially over. Was that all a year-end celebration left us: A big mess, a huge headache, a stain on my sexy dress and undescriptable void and emptiness?

Posted by pengbo at 2:43 PM | Comments (0)

December 15, 2006

A moment of serenity

Friday 5pm I found myself in a cinema alone, watching a kid movie "Charlotte's web".

After a week, that was all I needed: a moment of peace and innocence.

There were only five people in the cinema. Five of us, laughed out loud. We did not have to care much, we were only five. At one moment, we felt like that we knew each other or we were a family, under this context, a randomly selected temporary family.

I teared too. When the pig told the dying spider:" I love you." Those three little words just hit me and tears ran through my face. I teared, with a smile. Those three little words, so familiar and unfamiliar, all of sudden opened the shell that I gradually formed to protect my used-to-be-overly-exposed heart. Oh God, I needed a pig to tell me that those three little words did mean something. I laughed, at myself.

Getting out of the cinema, it was the time for my salsa dancing class. What a contrast! I could not find a better way to spend those two precious hours, a moment of purity and serenity, on a Friday afternoon.

Posted by pengbo at 8:44 PM | Comments (0)

November 8, 2006

Cool to be sick

I knew it was coming, like many other things. There were signs, symptoms and warnings. I took precautions, (water, vitamins and different forms of advils) hoping to stop it somewhere but I knew it was coming, inevitably.

So it came, finally. So I was sick, officially.

I was in the middle of the meeting and people’s voice started to be distant and hollow. A colleague looked at me, “Helen you look pale…” I smiled at her “I think I am sick.”

Maybe I was like an idiot or a PHD (Permanent Head Damage) to say this, but it was kind of cool to be sick. I finally could sleep continuously for 10 hours even though there were some strange irrelevant dreams dropping by from time to time; I finally shut down my computer at work without feeling guilty; Being sick made my other sensations or feelings blunt; being sick even blurred my memories that were so vivid and sharp before; being sick allowed me to wear my pyjamas, my glasses with a pigtail shifting from my kitchen and my bed at home; being sick made me realize how unimportant I was to the world so “please don’t take yourself too seriously.”; Being sick seemed also helped speed up the time and I did not even need to count the sunrises and sunsets…

I was dizzy, dreamy, indifferent……and I kind of liked it.

Posted by pengbo at 10:48 AM | Comments (0)

October 25, 2006

Shuffled memory

Having been working around the clock, I neglected the season, the weather or the time. It seemed even irrelevant where I lived. All I needed was my bed and my bath. They kept me feeling alive. When I got the chance to get out of my office building to have the luxury for lunch which did not involve any crappy sandwich or salad by my desk, I was a little dazzled, like someone was not used to seeing the light after going through the tunnel. The sky stayed high and calm and I breathed deeply the chilliness, which certainly helped me locate my brain, which, according to my best friend Y, has been forgotten somewhere for quite a while.

It was his corner, his territory, his office. He stood there reaching out his mug every day for changes. I passed him by every day and every day I gave him a smile and “bonjour”. It might not be something he was begging for but it was something I could only offer. He was not even old, seemingly healthy, at least physically. I did not know why he chose this as a way of living and I could not judge. It was his life, his decision. Maybe he just took whatever appeared easiest or maybe he was just weak, not courageous enough to confront himself, as everyone else at a point of time.

An old old melody was shuffled from my iPod. It put my walking steps on pause for a brief second. I actually had absolutely no idea why that song was even in my iPod. It was a popular campus song 13 or 14 years ago, sung often by a tall big young man with a puffy face, who fell in love with me for some unknown reasons, maybe reasons that he did not even know himself. I was at the time busy perfecting the image of my white knight without any practical experience and so good at saying no to everyone, including him. Because of me, he added to his geography vocabulary a place called hailun, my hometown. And in a really cold winter day, he took the train to hailun ( the journey was close to 24 hours) without informing me, just to see where I grew up. When told about that, I felt the action was more silly than romantic. Of course when love was not what you wanted, it was more of a burden than pleasure. Yet today, the memory, which was clearly lost over the years, was shuffled back randomly and touched my heart in an odd way. And he, probably someone’s husband and father, might have completely forgotten what he did and certainly was not, and would not be aware how his impulsive action years ago brought a smile on my face today at the other side of the earth. How out of context we were! When we were young, we were so silly however so fearless, we did whatever we thought worth doing without calculating the risks, without caring about the result. Was that why we missed youth?

I passed by the beggar again in this chilly autumn day, gave my usual smile and “bonjour”. Surprisingly for the first time, he smiled back. All of sudden, I felt something was connected between him and myself, maybe something we both needed: a smile to keep each other warm and to survive the coldness.

Posted by pengbo at 5:36 PM | Comments (0)

October 16, 2006

Train and reality

I kind of like the train, unlike the airplane creating a drastic change, gradually taking one away from the reality, like now.

A beautiful autumn evening. The last stroke of the sunset writes its shyness on the window and the night slowly creeps in, staring at me, telling me everything by saying nothing. Steph says that autumn awakens unspoken words. I'd rather keep the unspoken words unspoken, or spoken not by words. I am kind of afraid of words, especially when they lose the color, meaningless like a piece of pale paper.

" Care for more wine?" The attendant on the train wears a big smile. " Yes please." The wine, another source to make the reality vague. Reality, is supposed to be realistic, isn't it? It covers all the tangible touchable stuff like money, social status, house, cars, convenience, stability, habits...it dwarfs love, passion, spiritual state of mind, art, romance, exploration, creation,connection, feelings, emotions...As the one who always prefers the latter, I am constantly awarded with that" hopelessly romantic unrealistic idiot" crown.

A piece of music croons around my ear, I smile. Elvis. Again. Reminds me of a CD that is unanimously agreed to be toasted.

The train arrives. I say good-bye to my neighbor with whom I have shared the casual dinner time and some easy pleasant conversations. No exchange of names or coordinates, just a smile which seems only appropriate.

Tomorrow the train will take me back to the cruel but real reality. See ya.

Posted by pengbo at 8:56 PM | Comments (0)

September 26, 2006

anticipation

I have been ridiculously happy in the last few days before my age changes a number. I laugh at everything that generally will upset me: Laughed at my silly self when I jumped on the bus half way through to the office only to find that i forgot my laptop at home; laughed at my good luck when i was in a rush but the bus I was supposed to take broke down; laughed at my clumsiness when i broke my bed lamp and heard a big crack...

Anticipation gives hope, colorizes the dreams and drives people crazy. By people, I mean me and myself.

Posted by pengbo at 11:34 PM | Comments (0)

September 22, 2006

Just another Friday morning

It seems no different from other Friday mornings. Except 6am my eyes are wide open. I lie in bed in silence, motionless, emotionless.

The sun already wakes up. Just it feels so distant, as if it will never make it here, for me.

I hear a voice from the other side of the Pacific joking: “Are you dying? Should I call 911?” In fact I am never feeling this alive. The sharp desperation wrings my heart inside out but keeps me so alive. And I am my own 911. I have no one else.

Feels like a little bit of piano, no lyrics. I have heard enough words, the vulnerability of them only put me to silence.

Do we always have to fight to get our happiness? What I am fighting against now?

Up. Turn on the music, then the words, again, come out of Joe Dassin…

Aujourd'hui je suis très loin de ce matin d'automne

Mais c'est comme si j'y étais. Je pense à toi.

Où es-tu? Que fais-tu? Est-ce que j'existe encore pour toi?

Je regarde cette vague qui n'atteindra jamais la dune

Tu vois, comme elle je reviens en arrière

Comme elle je me couche sur le sable

Et je me souviens, je me souviens des marées hautes

Du soleil et du bonheur qui passaient sur la mer

Il y a une éternité, un siècle…

I find myself in tears. I find myself hopeless. I still can not immune from words…

Posted by pengbo at 2:00 PM | Comments (0)

September 12, 2006

Helen is whining

It was apparently not one of the best days.

After a sleepless night, I got two extremely big eyes with beautiful dark circle and this deep sexy coarse voice. Hanging up with the lady who was supposed to offer the wine tasting course, I was, unhappy. No no, that was not the right word. I was actually pissed. It has been almost 2 months that I e-mailed with this school back and forth about the wine tasting course and now at the last minute I was told that they did not get enough registrants so the course would not be offered. I could easily ask if not yell (I am not very good at that, need practice) at her: “Why did not you warn me in the first place? Why did you waste my time for so long? Why did you give me that false expectation? I could spend my time to contact other schools if you weren’t committed. Now the one that also offers the course has already started!!! “%*&?(*)(_+?%$*%@#$%! However, I did not say anything but:” Thanks for letting me know. Good-bye.” That was a forever good-bye. No more trust. My lessons to learn. That was it.

And my lunch date gave me a big now-show without a message or a phone call. Just hope she was not sick.

I heard one voice say: "OK Helen, unpiss yourself, still a long day ahead. It can only get better." sounds like typical Helen. Then another voice says:" Hey Helen, stop being your own cheerleader! It is OK to feel bad, feel frustrated, feel overwhelmed or angry. Let it all out then get it over with! Damn everything!"

And you know whom I listened to.

Posted by pengbo at 3:49 PM | Comments (0)

September 11, 2006

Time is on no one's side

It is a confusing season.

Some people already wear long jacket, scarves and boots, some others stubbornly refuse to believe that summer is over so still wear sandals, like me. Does it make me an optimist or pessimist or simply someone who is nostalgic?

The leaves have started changing colors and some of them have fallen to my feet. We just can stop season from changing, like we can stop ourselves from aging. You said:” But the summer will come back next year.” Darling, yes, it will, but it will not be the same. We will not be the same. Do you still remember what you were thinking or doing or worrying last September?

Remember a scene in Sex and the City, Charlotte was whining about not getting pregnant to her gay friend Anthony. All of sudden Anthony said: “Stop! Look!” Looking at the golden color of the woods, Charlotte was surprised:” Oh when did fall arrive?” “In your late ovulation and my boredom.”

Just hope we don’t miss anything in the days of running, reflecting, waiting or worrying or even procrastinating. Time is on no one’s side.

Posted by pengbo at 5:06 PM | Comments (0)

August 27, 2006

周日呓语

我是不太按规矩生活的人。

所以星期天中午十二点把自己丢到了浴缸里，还嘟嘟囔囔地小声对自己说：外面下雨呢。人有时就是挺好笑的，经常装模作样地给自己一个交待，似乎就心安了。Who the hell cares?

把七年没见过的朋友及老公送走，我便把自己从沙发升舱到了床上。头一沾枕头，近来旷日持久的失眠便冷笑地挑衅，小样儿，看你能撑多久。而我，竟也没有刘胡兰妹妹的气节，立马偃旗息鼓，瘫在床上睡得天昏地暗的，中间隐约听到车库门开的声音，有人经过窗前的声音，甚至有电话进来，身上软软的，无半点力气去接。再醒来的时候，感觉重新过了一生。

若是有人问我：“你是不是有受虐倾向啊？“我肯定头也不抬地给丫一巴掌。可现在我自己问这样的问题，却对自己下不了手。九年前我对“心痛”一词从理论到实践淋漓尽致地体会了一次。以后的日子也曾在一个夕阳无限好的黄昏体会“心如刀绞”， 在一个暴冷的寒冬夜晚体会：“心如刀割”，在一个阳光四溢的异国午后体会“心如死灰“----这些应该都是心痛的高级表现形式，否则似乎太乏味。而今，我似乎又回归乏味，连心痛都没什么花样了，有些悲哀。郁闷。

窗外雨还在支离破碎地下着，扭扭捏捏地，我有些不屑。

我决定再困一次。

Posted by pengbo at 3:49 PM | Comments (0)

August 18, 2006

Time

August has halfway crawled my skin and no mark has been left.

Time.

My thoughts landed upon the seemingly endless coldness of hailun, the discreet shadow play in the library of Tianjin, the heartbroken and unerasable winter in Beijing, the dramatic tears and laughter in Montreal, the footsteps on Charles bridge in Prague, the drunk blue paradise in Switzland, the sleepy morning on the bench in Vienna, the crooning solo in the subway of Paris, the crying sunny afternoon in Sydney, the magical and unretriveable smile in Lijiang...I saw time. I saw my life path. I saw myself.

I smiled when he said, " I should have..." I smiled when she said:" What if..."

Time does not allow us to have too many " should have..." " what if...". It passes by when you mourn your past, it never stops for your grievance and regrets, it winkles your face and heart when you sink in self-struggle and hesitation, it has no function of " undo" or "redo"...It is calm, it is merciless, it is fair, it is cruel, it is real, it is honest, it is............time.

Posted by pengbo at 7:04 PM | Comments (0)

July 28, 2006

Words

I have been told, rather often recently, that I don’t write much these days. True. Not because I am too lazy or too busy, nor because I have nothing to say.

Some words are reserved for myself, floating at night in the dark, or coming along with the wind when I pass by St-Laurence river in the morning, or emerging from the steps of my walk at noon, or lingering at my ear in my dream. They are never meant to be displayed on the shelf, never meant to see the ray of daylight.

I see words in the old diary, in the letters that someone once passionately wrote, on the casual paper tearing from some notebook. They exist for that moment, like petals of the flower, so fragile, so vulnerable, so easy to be blown away. Some others are there to be tasted, gorged upon, thought over to survive the days of waiting, the days of fighting in the battlefield, the days of knitting a dream alone…

Sometimes silence is vivid, passionate and dynamic, in the eyes of someone who can read it.

Posted by pengbo at 7:58 PM | Comments (0)

July 16, 2006

One more minute

I love sleeping and I love sleeping in. If I am forced to get up early I always try to negotiate with myself: One more minute. Does one minute really make the huge difference? Not necessarily in reality but it feels good. We all have the natural tendency to elongate the pleasure from the wonderful moments in life: we will hold our beloved ones one more minute before we have to say good-bye; we will take a look at our old houses one more minute before we leave it; we will stick on the phone just to hear someone’s voice one more minute before we hang up……That one minute is a cushion to a drastic change, an illusion to hang on to the dream that one would not want to let go……

What if we only had one minute in life?

Posted by pengbo at 2:31 PM | Comments (0)

June 17, 2006

我回来了

I am back. Don't know where I belong.

In the past 4 weeks, I haven't written a word, even thought I've had tremendous thoughts and feelings. Maybe they are beyond any word.

In the past 4 weeks, I have stopped worrying about my future, my life and my problems. I lived for the moment. I walked in those narrow small alleys in South China with my camera, discovering the new world throught its eyes; I sat in the crowded Chinese restaurants with my beloved friends, savouring the delicacy of the food and their smile; I played cards with my parents, not minding the laughters would deepen their wrinkles; I opened my eyes in the middle of night, listening to the scream of a horny cat; I could not get my hands off those CDs and DVDs, like doing a big Christmas shopping;I further developped my eternal love relationship with beautiful shoes......

In the past 4 weeks I stopped being a thinker. I only used my limited time to think in between each take-off and landing.

In the past 4 weeks, I tried to stay away from computer and for the first time in a long while, I have realized that it was not a big deal not to be on line.

In the past 4 weeks I forgot many things and rediscover many things as well about myself.

In the past 4 weeks, I laughed, cried, experienced, explored, observed, discovered and most importantly loved.

Too many thoughts often put me to silence, like now. Don't know where to start. I guess I can't do like Norah Jones' New York City, using the same lyrics to express different feelings. To make my babbling feelings less babbling, I decide to take the shortcut to categorize my trip by the cities that I have been.

But now, the jetlag is hitting me so please be patient. I will be back.

Posted by pengbo at 12:25 AM | Comments (0)

May 8, 2006

The moment

You asked me, what is on your mind Helen
I smiled at you, nothing. I am just enjoying the moment...

Life is comprised of fragments of moment. That is all I can think of, that is all I can feel.

The moment to see the overwhelmingly green after the spring rain; the moment to cuddle in the long sofa with a bunch of friends listening to jazz; the moment to walk on an unknown street in a perfect spring afternoon; the moment to watch people in the café making up all mean or funny stories; the moment to regret that I casually ruined a delicate life for this season; the moment to tear when receiving a caring e-mail from the other side of the earth; the moment to see a handsome young man sit on the stairs playing guitar at 7:30am; the moment to capture an old couple walk by hand in hand in the sunset......

My life is just a series of moments, so is yours.

Posted by pengbo at 10:21 PM | Comments (0)

May 1, 2006

Typical Helen Peng day

It was one of the few days that you wanted to kill someone or kill yourself.

You struggled to get up, your mind was still in the conversation with your father yesterday. He was full of dispair about his marriage and his life. He sometimes felt life was meaningless but you were his only hope. He felt lonely. " Me too, daddy. " you wanted to say:" We are meant to live through life lonely. Sometimes someone can accompany us for a while, like parents, like kids, like lovers or friends. If we are lucky, they can walk with us for a long while. but for the rest of the life, we have to go through it alone and lonely. It does not matter where we live and who are around us. " but you did not say that, you could not. You could not say:" daddy, I feel life is meaningless too sometimes but I always have to try to struggle to find some meanings because my life is not just mine." This was not what he needed, this was not what he wanted to hear. You tried your best to comfort him, to encourage him and to motivate him but you cried in your bathtub after hanging up, feeling helpless, hopeless and useless. You felt that you were a loser, you were a wreckage yourself and you did not know what more you could give.

You finally collected every part of your body and put on a smile. You arrived at work, only to find a message on your screen:" operating system not found". You called help desk, the lady gave you instructions, you saw nothing on your screen. She asked you:" what is on your screen now?" " Nothing." " Miss, you are not helping me now. You have to tell me what is on your screen." " Nothing is shown on my screen, it is black" After some painful conversation, you were told that your hard drive was dead. You were handicapped all of sudden. You did not know your agenda, you could not check your e-mails, you could not get any files. For the first time you have realized how much you were dependant on your computer. Baiscally you were dead for the day. Your boss was frowning somewhere and you did not know what she was frowning about but you apparently could not give more.

Then you have realized that all the mess about your computer made you forget the first thing in the morning: register at the clinic. At 10:15am you called, you were told it was completely full for the day.

You walked out, trying to breathe some fresh air and your found that your shoes were killing you. You checked them out, your feet were bleeding. Those beautiful new shoes, like anything else new in life, a new job, a new relationship, a new neighborhood, needed time to be adjusted. Which meant that you had to suffer anyways until they felt comfortable. You could not complain because you wanted them, you chose them and you wore them. They still looked beautiful outside but made you bleed inside. Good job.

You felt shitty and you felt that you had a shitty life. What was more shitty was, you were not you, you were me.

Posted by pengbo at 8:02 PM | Comments (0)

April 1, 2006

Just another day

It was April Fool.

I was wearing a blue heart.

My light in the shower went off.

And it was raining, hard.

Posted by pengbo at 6:10 PM | Comments (0)

March 20, 2006

Celebrate the moments

It was officially Spring today. Besides, it was the first day of my new job.

The reasons sounded decent so I bought myself flowers:’ from me to me, with love’

Sometimes we don’t even need reasons. We don’t need to wait for something to happen. We have enough reasons to celebrate the moments in life: the moments that make us feel alive, valued, treasured, missed, cared..

Life is too short. I don't wait to be happy. I AM happy. This is my moment to celebrate.

Happy Spring!

Posted by pengbo at 9:21 PM | Comments (0)

March 12, 2006

Happy cleaning

I am in a highly motivated cleaning mood. When I say cleaning, I am not referring to washing, mopping,vacuuming or the like. I mean throwing away stuff. I did that once to my computer, but I find life repeats itself and sometimes we end up finding the same truth over and over again.

I am good at accumulating junk: the seashell necklace from 10 years ago, the map of Prague 5 years ago, the tickets to the opera 4 years ago, boarding pass 3 years ago, credit card receipts a year ago, ...I have many clothes that I barely touch, I have three DVD player but two of them don't play any now, I have two printers and one of them was sitting on my shelf....why am I keeping all these? I once thought they would be all good souvenirs, they would remind me all the wonderful moments in life. If I throw them away I'd be losing them....but how often do I check on them, touch them, feel them? What will be remembered will be remembered.

I am kind of happy, at 11:24pm, throwing away a lot of my stuff, my junk or part of my past...

Posted by pengbo at 11:24 PM | Comments (0)

February 8, 2006

Hibernating thoughts

Winter in Montreal has been rather friendly. I almost forgot the piercing coldness. Some feelings can be easily forgotten no matter how strong they were at the moment, like the pain of giving birth. A girlfriend just had a baby girl a couple of days ago and she was already starting to think about having the second one, as if she never suffered. Yet some other pain, will take a long time, maybe forever to be forgotten. A story came to my mind. That was about a boy who had a very hot temper and often hurt others by saying something really harsh. One day, his father asked him to hammer the nails in the wood fence and then asked him to take out again. Having him look at the holes that the nails have left, his father said:” Sometimes your words are like the nails, even though you take them back, there are always holes left.” From the first day of Chinese New Year after the conversation with my mom, I have decided that I will try not to say anything hurtful, especially to my beloved ones. Hurtful words, like daggers, are so hard to be forgotten even though they are forgiven. Very often, we hurt people we love the most and always those we love hurt us the most.

A friend asked me whether I have been hibernating. I smiled. I have been awfully quiet this winter. I even did not start to ski yet. I spent a whole lot of time with myself in my cozy nest, reading in my bath, watching movies on my couch, playing with my pictures on the computer or simply doing nothing. I have very limited outgoing calls and I receive very few visitors. Seems that I have been dating myself a lot, errr, I have to say, the best date ever.

Every day we are building or destroy something, no matter our own kingdom or the bridges with others. If a relationship is a house, then every little step is either to put on a brick or take out one. And it is never too late, to put on new ones.

Posted by pengbo at 5:45 PM | Comments (0)

January 27, 2006

除夕的眼泪

除夕。海伦的除夕。

我失声痛哭，哭得找不到自己。记忆中曾经有过几次如此的时刻，都与一个男人有关。但这次，母亲的话如同匕首，将我已经不完整的心划成碎片。我知道她并不想。但她需要表达她的孤独，她的失落，她无奈的一生。我懂。曾经以为自己足够坚强，不在容易被什么打倒。Y说你就像一只不死鸟，每一次我以为你已被折断了翅膀，你仍然趔趄着飞翔。可这一次，我又被打倒了，被我自己的母亲。

这一刻，我所有坚强的外壳被碾得粉碎；这一刻，我缩在角落里，像一个无助的孩子；这一刻，我只会痛哭， 我只有痛哭。所有的委屈，所有的艰难，所有的付出以及所有的伤痛终于找到了出口，肆无忌惮。

我纵容着自己的眼泪，像个孩子, 直到没有了力气。

两个小时后，我擦干眼泪， 拿起电话：“对不起，妈妈，我不该惹你生气。。。“

Posted by pengbo at 11:36 PM | Comments (0)

January 21, 2006

A poet by the sink

I like cooking but I never like washing dishes, precisely I hate washing dishes. Cooking for me is something creative, something I can control and something makes me feel the satisfation, like I am preparing a show. On top of that I am a creative cook, by saying that, I mean I don't always follow the menu, rather often I make dishes out of whatever I have in the frige. While washing dishes means something greasy, something dirty, something messy to finish up after the show. When I don't have choices, (in fact each and every day) I choose to wear gloves.

This morning, a beautiful Saturday morning with snowflakes caressing my window, I was cleaning my kitchen. Unfortunately I ran out gloves. The old pair were worn out, sitting quietly in my trash can. So I had to wash my dishes with my bare hands. For one second, for the first time in my life, I feel the warm water run through my fingers and my fingers TOUCH my glass, with purity. I felt the texture of the glass, with sensation, with feelings, with enjoyment. That second I became a poet by the sink.

So I said to myself that nothing was absolute, not love, not hatred. Maybe I never really hated washing dishes, I just did not find the beauty of it, at the right moment. But it would come eventually, for example, this beautiful saturday morning.

Posted by pengbo at 12:51 PM | Comments (0)

December 20, 2005

Escaping

Carrie says that there are two kinds of women: the simple ones with straight hair and the complicated ones with the curly hair. That is the only reason she can find to explain why Mr. Big wants to marry Natasha, but not her. I have straight hair but it does not help me to be less complicated.

It snowed, again, in a way that I liked, not too overwhelming and not too trivial. The road was icy and slippery, like every short or long journey, never smooth. Fighting my way with a big X’mas shopping crowd to the Chapters, I felt exhausted. I bought a beautiful photography book, and poetry. Yes I bought poetry, I was a hopelessly romantic idiot. The guy at the cashier seemed a little absent-minded. He gave me the bag with my books and I looked at him, smiling:” You may want to keep that receipt. “ He then realized that he even put the one with my signature in my bag. Being penalized would not be a pleasant X’mas gift, I guessed. He thanked me with a shy and embarrassing smile.

Outside Chapters, it snowed even harder. I could struggle back on the slippery road or I could hide myself underground for some protection. I chose the latter. I could not get the famous red and green out of my sight and the jingle bell music everywhere kind of annoyed me. I was not in the X’mas mood, excuse me.

I want to escape. Every time when I am confused I want to escape. That is my nature, some others say that it is the human nature. It does not help much by attributing it to the whole human level. And this time I will escape far, to another country, another continent. Hopefully the exotic wind there will help me clear my thoughts I try to imagine all those people who would travel around the globe to another place, who were trying to get away from the routine world. Are we all think that life is always interesting elsewhere?

I finally got out the underground, where I felt suffocated. It was still windy snowy cold slippery outside, but at least I felt, alive.

Posted by pengbo at 4:35 PM | Comments (0)

December 14, 2005

无言

我一共见你哭过两次：一次我在你就是温暖提到的你婚姻的七年之痒时，另一次是前几天，又一个七年之后，在电话里。我在你并不明朗的言语中听到了一种孤独感以及孤独背后暗含的一种危机。

我有些牵挂。于是在很短的时间内打了几次电话给你，因为我知道地球另一端的你需要我。可是一直没抓到你，直到今天，我才又听到你的声音。你很平静地说：我们结束了。我惊诧之余便是心疼，恨自己此刻不在你身边。我没有说你怎么这么冲动之类的话，只是问：“你还好吗？“我知道40岁时做的决定不需要别人来判定对错。你依然平静地说：“我很好，决定得很突然，但我没有后悔过。其实有些东西该来的迟早会来。人性本身决定我们永远渴望新鲜的感觉，而有些东西时间长了，就是会褪色会陈旧，就算你还喜欢，可感觉已经没有了。 “你的豪华的房子里到处都是他的痕迹，包括他几个月前千里迢迢买给你的“风雨同行“的画，画里一对男女共撑着一把伞。人真得很有趣， 那么快地否定自己。

我知道你会很痛，他也会。我也知道你会好的，他也会。也许这是件好事，我说，这许多年你也放弃了很多。你楼下的画家不也说你的眼神太平静了，已经缺少欲望了。人要有欲望才会有活力。也许这给你一个新的机会重新认识自己，打开一扇新的门重新挖掘出你生命的活力。现在的生活缺少稳定性，多了不可知性。可是正是因为不可知， 生活才有了神秘感，有了憧憬。也许有一天你们会重修旧好，也许你生命里会出现另一个人，顺应生活本身。有时生活如滑雪，如果你要往左摔，就顺着往左摔，你不会伤得太重；但如果你一定要向右拧，你会骨折。想不明白时就先别想。 想哭时先去哭一场，然后去剪个头发，涂点颜色，然后漂漂亮亮地该做什么做什么。。。然后我开始大谈我的糗事试图逗你开心，你真地笑了，笑得支离破碎的。你说你几个星期以来都不曾如此笑过。 我听了特有成就感。我们是笑着挂掉电话的，在你答应我要精神焕发拒绝雀斑闪亮耀眼地去约会那些依然对你一往情深的男士们以后。

挂了电话，我哭了。

Posted by pengbo at 12:33 AM | Comments (0)

November 28, 2005

生病记

整个周末我都在家里兢兢业业地感冒。喷嚏排山倒海般汹涌而至，鼻子则如坏了的水龙头川流不息。害得我扛着我的kleenex满屋转， 两天用了一个月的储备。

去年冬天我轰轰烈烈地生了一个月的病，生得天昏地暗地躺在床上装尸体。到了冰箱储备告罄而我又没力气起床出门， 无奈只好咬着牙叫pizza. 吃得我倒足胃口，以至于谁再跟我提pizza我的胃就有生理反应。那一个多月的日子如白色恐怖想起来就不寒而栗。 好在我自艾自怜的神经已自我切除， 否则家里可就要被泪水洗个底儿朝天。但我还是对午夜的珍珠奶茶感激涕零。

今年公司一提出打流感疫苗，我便积极踊跃报名。很久没打针了，周一抱着献身的态度去了，却只觉得被蚊子叮了一下就结束了，很不过瘾。没想到周末就立竿见影地病了，这回倒过瘾了， 我很怀疑医生给我打的不是防流感病毒， 二是流感病毒本身。（其实本来就是）。

我从小就是一病秧子。刚出生没几天就打头皮针。怪不得我妈有时说：“你脑子进水啦？“可不是嘛， 打小儿遗留到现在。我小时侯是医院的常客，两天不去，第三天一大早就大摇大摆地去报到了。混得跟医生们都倍儿熟。据说我奶奶当时特抒情地给我起了一小名儿叫“富园“取“富贵家园“之意。结果有一天我正哭天抹泪地练嗓子，奶奶大叫：“富园！富园！“。护士小姐进来皱着眉头：“瞧你们也真是的，哪儿能给孩子取名叫肺炎呢？怪不得老肺炎心衰的。“奶奶一听急了，立马儿给我改了一个抗打击能力极强的名字，在此不便公布。

我是药罐子里泡大的。喝药跟喝水似的，眼睛都不眨一下，特豪迈。可能是小时候把一辈子的药都预支了，现在我是能不吃就不吃，死扛。不过也是，这感个冒，吃药俩星期好，不吃药15天，我还省个麻烦呢！

后来长大了些，觉得不行。虽说先天不足吧也不能自暴自弃呀。还是要树立“锻炼身体保卫祖国”的宏伟志向。我开始打篮球排球，苦练杀敌本领。其实我打篮球从高一才开始。学校篮球比赛，不会打抱球跑，被裁判吹走步。特没面子。郁闷之余立志雪耻，高中毕业时我已是校队主力。但我还是特烦达标，跑步啦，铅球啦。其实我跑得挺快的，可我就不喜欢傻乎乎地跑步。你说你要追个球跑跑还有个目的，这一圈圈一个人绕个大操场没完没了，那才是脑袋叫大头鞋踢了呢！还有那铅球，我从小就剩就一副窈窕小淑女的身材，哪儿能跟郑海霞比呀。 让我推铅球，铅球推我还差不多。

经过我后天不懈的努力，我的体质已从“基本不可药救“到“基本不用药救“了。偶尔还极具欺骗性地博个“体育健将”称号或至少也是酷爱户外运动人士。

只是近几年每年冬天都要大感冒一场，不知是我体内的病毒太多还是我太纯洁难以抵挡外界病毒的侵袭。（说得我自己都有点不信）。不过为了乐观起见我搜肠刮肚地寻找生病的好处。譬如可以堂而皇之地不上班，可以大摇大摆地在床上赖上一天， 可以不负责任地把房间弄乱，可以心安理得地向朋友索取同情。。。也不错。

Posted by pengbo at 11:23 PM | Comments (0)

November 23, 2005

I am late

I am late, for many things.

The e-mails to reply, the pictures to update, the comments to respond, the books to read, the rooms to clean....my beef was ready yesterday for me to cook and I was late. I am just in an abosultely-want-to-do-nothing mood.

The exaggerating Christmas decoration everywhere forces me to reluctantly accept the fact that winter is coming inevitably and 2005 is giving the last try. Running into a colleague in the elevator, I was asked:" Ready for the winter?", I looked at him, " Oh never ready."

And it snowed yesterday, seemingly reinforcing the fact. Watching the snow through my office window, I was a little, homesick. The snow always makes me think of home, regardless where it is.

A tree, still stubbornly wearing the goldness, smiled at me in the snow. Damned, I did not have my camera handy. As anything else in life, we always find something amazing when we are not ready; and when we look for it, it is never there. Hence we always say that love is something found but not looked for.

I am still late, for many things...well just be late then.

Posted by pengbo at 9:28 PM | Comments (0)

October 6, 2005

有意无意之间

古人云：
“宠辱不惊，看庭前花开花落，
去留无意，观天上云卷云舒“

年轻时想这该是种多么超然从容的境界啊，现在竟更多觉是沧桑之后的无可奈何。

命运是个好玩的东西，常常和你做猫捉老鼠的游戏。有时你望穿秋水却一无所获；有时你心静如水，幸福却突然汹涌而来让你猝不及防；有时你盘算再三却无疾而终；有时你心如死灰却见柳暗花明如枯木逢春。

于是你在千锤百炼千帆过境后，学会了凡事不要期望值太高；体会了谋事在人，成事在天；明白了世事难料，人生多变；懂得了让自己凡事处于有意无意之间。。。

一直信奉经历是财富，经历得越多承受能力就越强。于是尽管千疮百孔仍一副不屈不挠状。一位叫我年长的朋友有次对我说：“或许年轻时是这样吧，年纪大了再经历风雨反而更脆弱了。。。所以凡事不要太较真儿，居于有意无意之间吧。。。“ 对于前一半我不能完全体会，也许有一天我也会心生这样的感慨。。。那时我也该老了。。。

Posted by pengbo at 11:47 PM | Comments (0)

September 30, 2005

Happy Birthday

This is a day for reflection. I can’t help.

This is a day that I sense, vividly, how time crawls on my skin, even though I still have a young face, and a young heart.

When I look back, oddly, I am not reflecting just my past year, but my whole journey in Canada. I have seen myself change subtly but substantially; seen myself go through the tough moments, many times; seen myself being loved, and hurt; seen myself stubbornly fight with fate; seen myself try hard to position myself in this world professionally and socially; seen myself explore more of my potentials; seen myself experiment, fail or succeed but no matter what, always with a smile…..

I go out less. I prefer to spend quality time with quality friends, if not, I’d rather spend time with myself.
I am more real. I understand more what is important to me and what is not, what I should care more and what I should not.
I cry less. I spread my tears mostly when I watch movies. Good news.
I enjoy more the solitude. I am at ease to eat alone, sit alone in a café reading, walk alone to take pictures even go see a movie alone, not mention most of the time, home alone. Life is so short and I appreciate the freedom and space to do something that I really want.

This is a day of reflection, a day of hope, a day of a new start. At the same time, it is just another ordinary day.

Happy Birthday Helen.

Posted by pengbo at 4:05 PM | Comments (0)

September 20, 2005

We read each other's life

In the bus.

* He reads " La Presse", every time the same section. And every time, he folds it back to the original look.
* She must be rushed. No time for make-up. She sits there, deligently working on her eye lashes. The bus is bumpy, she can't put the maskara evenly. She hates it.
* She is pretty but dresses funny. A red top, yellow skirt but a green jacket, with running shoes.

In the café.

* She sits alone, with a book. She stares at the book for 10 minutes without turning a page. Her coffee is cold.
* He wheels in. He knows his way. He gets his water and put it in a net besides the arm of the wheelchair. He wheels out and greets a huge dog.
* She is in love. It shows from her eyes. She whispers to her cellphone and smiles. Her hand covers the other ear, trying to concentrate. She murmurs and giggles.

Each day, I read others' life. And I know that somebody is reading mine too.
Every time I take a picture, I know I might fall into someone else' viewfinder.

Posted by pengbo at 9:02 PM | Comments (0)

September 5, 2005

A new start?

It was not too long ago that I had this new computer.

For somewhat reason some functions were not working any more. Maybe I wanted to enrich it so much that I installed too many softwares. And I overlooked the fact that they might have conflicts.

Sometimes simple is better.

So after spending hours chatting with the lovely technician from India, I had to reimage it, back to the day that I had purchased. Even though I backed up the data, I felt that my past in between those days had been erased, so easily.

Now I have a brand new hard drive with nothing.

A new start?

Posted by pengbo at 6:15 PM | Comments (0)

August 28, 2005

Heaven

It is an ordinary afternoon but never ordinary in my memory.

This afternoon, I sat on my balcony, with the breeze gentlely caressing my body, reading.
This afternoon, I made a pot of green tea, its fresh smell awakened all my sensations.
This afternoon, I noticed that my neighbor's flowers blossomed like a July bride.
This afternoon, I smiled at the birds that dropped by.
This afternoon, I had the word: peace, serenity, comfort, solitude....in my mind.
This afternoon, I felt like in heaven.

Posted by pengbo at 10:20 PM | Comments (0)

August 20, 2005

Home

I am home.

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August 2, 2005

Lost in Translation

I dreamed in French last night.

My French professor once said if one day we started to dream in French, it meant that we really started to have feelings for this language.

A young lady from Colombia asked me in class :” Est-ce que tu penses en chinois, anglais ou peut-être en français? (Do you think in Chinese, English or maybe French?) She winked at me. I started to give some serious thoughts. Until then did I realize that rather often, I thought in English, even though my English was far from perfect.

I started to wonder why. Maybe because English became part of my life and a lot of things, when I first learned or accepted, were in English. I still remember when I first learned Statistics, it was in English therefore when my Chinese classmates mentioned 正态分布, I could not understand until they explained to me in English that they referred to “ Normal distribution”. Many times when I spoke with my mom on the phone, I could not find the appropriate term for something I was doing here. I suddenly understood why many Chinese who lived abroad for a while often blurred out some English words when they spoke Chinese, and shamely, as many native Chinese often did, I used to accuse them of showing off their different experience.

And now I mix up all three. Every day after my French class, I have hard time speaking proper English or Chinese. The words that come to my mind first are French, even though they might not be the right words.:P

I am kind of lost, lost in translation.

I also ask myself:” Who are you?” Yes of course I am a Chinese and I am always proud of being a Chinese. I really am even though I am holding a Canadian passport. Yet during the last few years, I have accepted different mindsets, behaviours and maybe even life styles tremendously. I feel like the middle part of the sandwich---I am stuck in the middle. I am not 100% Chinese any more, nor am a Canadian. I lose my identity. When I visit China, I feel that my vocabulary is soooooo outdated. A lot of new terms were created during my absence. I become a visitor of my own country. Here, even my English is not bad, occasionally I look puzzled when my colleagues laugh at something they think funny. Let alone French.

I become nothing, nobody. Or, maybe I don’t need a clear definition of my identity. I am who I am. Period.

Posted by pengbo at 12:32 AM | Comments (0)

July 16, 2005

第几条罪状？

As per the request of Knee Ga To (special name btw), I tried to translate this posting. It was not an easy job because it had a lot of culture context.

(In China, we call those people who know how to enjoy life “Xixo Zi”. “Zi” means Capitalism while “Xiao Zi” refers to those people who are influenced by the life style of the captitalism :))

Li was accused of being Xiao Zi and she has confessed her 6 typical Xiao Zi behaviours. Compare to her, I am a lot worse. “Xiao” means small, which is used to set the tone of “Capitalism” style here. If Li is “Xiao Zi” I would be a “Xiao Xiao Zi”:

A few examples of my bizzar Xiao Xiao Zi behaviours are listed as following:

1) Like throwing myself into my bath tub, lightening candles along with my music, or reading in the bubbles. Not too often, only 5 times per week.
2) Like reading Murakami but prefer English translations to Chinese ones, which further proves that I always admire capitalistic stuff including the language.
3) Like inviting friends over to drink and chat. However the lights would become decorations because I would lighten my candles all over the house. Fortunately haven’t caused any fire so far.
4) Like listening to French songs as well as men who speak French… (Ah, nasty girl! )
5) Hate bringing an umbrella. Like walking in the drizzles and enjoy the feelings when my hair gets a little wet; dare not say I like the feelings of catching a cold but I do like the feelings of being taken care after catching a cold.
6) Can’t read in the library, will fall in asleep because it is too quiet; Can’t read at home either, will fall in asleep as well because it is too distracting and the bed and sofa are too accessible. So the perfect place for reading is the café where I can also “read” people, of course at the same time being read :P. for example today while I was reading and waiting for a friend at Café Cherrier, the waiter came over and brought me a beautiful pink drink and told me that all their employees thought that I was very charming….which was extremely helpful for my big ego and vanity…

I know that I can continue listing more yet that might be enough for the confession today…I will try not to ruin my beautiful image that soooooon.

(Whew!...after the translation)

************************************************************

Li 列举了其小资的六大罪状，如此说来偶恐怕是有过之而无不及了。似乎只有“小”字才能体会出“资”来，故而偶可自封为" 小小资". 罪状列举如下:

1.喜欢把自己仍在一池泡沫里,点上蜡烛放上音乐或是在泡泡里看书. 每周至少五次.
2.喜欢村上春树的英文版小说.总感觉英文翻译更具其神韵, 进一步证明我的崇洋媚外的资产阶级臭思想.
3.喜欢请朋友来聊天喝酒,有灯不点却点一屋子蜡烛.
4.喜欢听法语歌曲顺便喜欢说法语的男人.(阿呸!)
5.不喜欢拿伞,喜欢在小雨里散步,喜欢头发湿湿的感觉; 不敢说喜欢感冒的感觉,但喜欢感冒以后有人疼的感觉...
6.看书不能去图书馆,太静,要睡觉;也不能在家,床和沙发都离得太近,也要睡觉. 只能在café里顺便可以看人,当然也被人看...比如今天,我坐在Café Chérrier 看书等朋友, the waiter 送了我一大杯漂亮的饮料,并告诉我说他们所有的waiter 都觉得我很美丽...让我虚荣心极大地膨胀了一回...

我知道罪状不只六条, 先自我检讨到此吧...日子还长着呢, 给自己留点面子...:P

Posted by pengbo at 10:18 PM | Comments (0)

July 15, 2005

Home

I am home.

I always think that je suis une voyageuse...but I like the feeling of being home, even if there is no one in the home waiting for me; even if it looks a little deserted without me living in it for two weeks.

Yes I am back. This moment I think of that song again...

I am not bored in Quebec, but I do miss Montreal. I miss my bed, my bath; I miss Chinese foooooood; I miss the noise on Ste-Catherine; I miss the cafés on St-Denis; I miss the dear faces and sweet voices of my beloved friends...

Montreal I am back and I miss you. You know that, don't you? :)

Posted by pengbo at 2:08 AM | Comments (0)

July 1, 2005

A day to remember

An intensive week. And an intensive day.

Unexpected things at work came up and I had to work around the clock; my computer decided to be on strike and it had to be re-formatted completely; When the beautiful thunderstorm came, I heard some interesting rhythm on my floor---my roof was leaking; a long to-do-list and final cleaning up was waiting for me before I leave...

It was raining at one point. I lay on the floor, listening to the melody created due to the encounter of the raindrops and some metal buckets outside. It sounded dramatic and ...complicated. Unfortunately I seemed to play the same melody. I heard a voice from my heart:" Girl, you need some rest..." Oh yeah, I do.

It seems to be a day to remember: Canada Day, the birthday of CCP (Which seems soooooo irrelavant, yet it is a holiday for people in China anyways), the day the HongKong was back to the arm of China (I feel like I am being tested in history class)and all of sudden, I remembered in this very day, an interesting wedding was held in a small town many years ago...my mind was flying too far...

So it was a day that worth celebrating anyways. Spending the whole evening with two great friends made this day even more memorable. Joking over Cosmopolitain and Pink lady, playing with the umbrella that was flipped over in the rain, stealing some shots in the crowd of Jazz Festival, running so hard after the two b*****ds with my high heels, (not too high but still can't run with them!), dancing with our bare feet at the old port with the salsa music and watching the fabulous fireworks...We were suddenly teenagers again, suddenly innocent again, suddenly forgetting the complicated world...Viv said to me:" Hey girl, you are wild tonight!" Yes honey I am...once in a while...

Posted by pengbo at 11:20 PM | Comments (0)

June 17, 2005

喃喃自语

朋友来电话聊天时告诉我曾经在我生命里很重要的一个人结婚了，和我曾经最好的朋友。我笑笑说好啊。我惊讶于自己的无动于衷。那感觉就如秋日轻舞的落叶般不留痕迹。

很年轻时读到一句话："有一天你会发现那曾经爱过的，那曾经一颦一笑牵动你心的人会变得漠然，再没有感觉了。" 当时不懂，并拒绝懂。心想："这又怎么可能又怎么可以呢！" 然而一路走来，风风雨雨，爱过痛过，才知道，原来真的可能，也真的可以。爱的时候真的爱了，不爱的时候也真的不爱了。人没有必要因为不圆满的结局去否定曾经爱过的事实。 回首生命的历程时，会记得那一段路曾经一起走过。而我们就是这样经历不同的人， 一段一段地走，直到走到生命的尽头。有些人可以走的久一点，譬如说二十年，有些短一些，譬如几个月。但他们在我们生命里留下的痕迹是和停留的时间是不成比例的。有些人在你眼前晃动几十年，未必让你生命震撼；而有些虽如流星划过，却改变了你生命的轨迹。。。

那天跟朋友说：有些人身体活着，但她/他从你生命里彻底消失了，你也不会想起，那和死了有什么区别么？听上去有点残酷，但生活本身不就是真实得有些残酷吗？

Posted by pengbo at 8:26 PM | Comments (0)

June 11, 2005

Untitled

5am. I was awake.

Some vague light crawled up to my curtain. I opened it. Surprisingly I saw sunrise which I haven't seen for months or maybe years. Yet at this moment it looked more like sunset, to me...

Posted by pengbo at 2:04 PM | Comments (0)

June 9, 2005

I am lucky...

Yesterday a dear friend said to me:” Don’t you think you are lucky?” I can’t deny. Just to think about the little things happening in my life in the past 2 months, I feel lucky, indeed.

** I lost my camera, I received tremendous mental support from those virtual friends on flickr and dear friends who read my blog. Karl, who knew that I can’t go out without a camera now sent me an e-mail to offer help. Then I received a new one from Santa. The Janitor from my old building even gave me one old film camera.

** I needed models for my photography assignment. A couple V. and D., who are my best friends in my suburb area, offered constant help. V. has been my super model and D. ran maybe 1000 miles for my motion pictures assignment. And they made dumplings for me afterwards!

** I did not have a photo printer so a sweet friend offered to print out my assignment each time for me and put them in a beautiful folder!

** A great friend from Italy made these pictures for me and brought me a lot of sunshine.

**A wonderful girl, who is also an artist in Beijing, designed a banner for my blog using one of her paintings as the base. I will be using it sooooooooon.

** Another Chinese couple from school dropped by yesterday and brought me a few “zong zi” because it will be “Duan wu festival” Saturday!

Even strangers are nice to me!

** The plastic cap of my water tap was broken. I went to Reno Depot, the guy looked at it and told me:” Oh, I remember I sold this so I will find a new one for you for free.” It did not cost much but I felt sooooooo warm by the small gesture!

** I went to Costco to get my photos ready for my final project in my photography class. I had two sets, one with borders and one without. I was asking the advices from the guy who was working in the store which set I should use and he offered to print out both and let me choose the best! Of course only charged me 1 set!

** I rush in the bus then realized that I forgot my final project for my photography class at home. I had to get off. When I got my big bag back and figured that I had to drive to work, only to find the bus driver was waiting for me in a green light!

……A lot of other things that people around me have done make me always feel grateful and warm in my heart even I did not mention them here…

If we could always think about the fortunate things that have happened to us and forget the ones that upset us, life will be just beautiful……

Posted by pengbo at 2:31 PM | Comments (0)

June 1, 2005

Reviving

My nail fell off.

From the purple toe. I was taking a bath, then the nail just peeled off, as if it was a fake one, as if it was a mask or something, as if it never belonged to me.

Still astonished, I found that beneath the old nail, a tender young nail was growing discreetly, even though just a little. Like the grass under the snow, preparing itself all the winter, though unnoticed, once the sun unveils the spring, it just covers the earth overnight. Never had I realized so clearly that I had stronger ability to revive than I thought.

The dead was dead. Even though it appeared alive.

All of sudden, I was delightful.

Posted by pengbo at 11:40 PM | Comments (0)

May 27, 2005

Inertia and change

如同女人的衣橱里永远少一件衣服一样,我永远找不到一个让我满意的发型师.

朋友介绍了一位给我.如期前往,心里没有抱太大的希望. 通常面对一个我不熟悉的发型师最保险的方法就是婉转地说不要剪太多修修就可以了,这样还不至于死得很惨. 如果遇到口是心非的发型师便在劫难逃.青丝落地,面目全非然后郁闷地付钱,心想自己很贱,花钱请人糟蹋自己的形象. 然而这一次不知是因为对于朋友的信任或是他本身流露出的自信, 我竟然放心大胆地说,就全交给你了. 他得了令箭于是大刀阔斧,而我见满地自己的秀发,竟然有些快感. (比较神经.)然后我又邀请他给我的头发来点儿夏天的色彩. 他毫不犹豫地选了两种颜色而我竟二话不说地由他去了. 当我深情款款地望着镜中的自己,突然发现自己哪儿不同了.不仅仅是发型和颜色的变化,他居然改变了我分头的方式!我从来都是左偏分的,十几年如一日,以至于头都有右倾倾向. 而现在,我竟然毫无怨言地允许一个陌生人改变了我的习惯!我让自己吃了一惊. 我有些不认识自己了.

通常我们有一种惯性自觉抵制变化.因为我们习惯了某种生活方式,习惯了某种思维方式,习惯了吃某些东西,逛某些店.习惯了有些人在我们的生活里晃来晃去,即便有些审美疲劳,但依然是我们生活的一部分,如同手脚,有的可能如头屑...但我们又渴望新鲜,渴望新奇,渴望激情...但大多数时候要在保证不冒险失去原有的习惯模式的基础上去感受所有视觉听觉味觉抑或情感的冲击. 所以很多人在生活发生巨大转变时反映强烈,因为原有的模式被打碎,原有的信念被推翻.坚强的置死地而后生,改头换面,从头再来.而脆弱的则锐气尽失,一蹶不振.....

我突然间开始喜欢这种变化...我应该奖励他的自作主张...

Posted by pengbo at 11:11 PM | Comments (0)

May 22, 2005

Put on my memory

Long weekend. Overcast. Windy. Rainy.

I suddenly had some time to take care of myself including my nails. I diligently put nail polish on my toes, which were complimented weirdly by a sales man at Leon's last summer. Then I found that my purple toe was still purple. Three months! I almost forgot it and it did not hurt any more, but the trace of being hurt was still there. Just like the broken heart, even though the wound healed, the scar remained.

I convinced myself that summer was around the corner so I decided to do my summer cleaning. I took out all my beautiful sexy summer dresses and tank tops and put the heavy winter clothes away. Tidying up the clothes was like tidying up the memories. I tried on a few to rehearse for my beautiful summer performance. All of sudden, I realized that I missed something. I opened my jewelery box, it was there, quietly shining----My ankle chain.

It dragged my meomeries back to a summer afternoon after rain. After a pleasant lunch with a dear friend, I walked on St-catherine street. There was kind of sweetness in the air and I heard my laughters echo around...Then I had my encounter with this anke chain. It was thin, shy and shining discreetly...I fell in love with it at the first sight. By the time it was around my ankle, I knew I would never forget this afternoon...

So I put it on, in a rainy day in May.

Posted by pengbo at 11:32 PM | Comments (1)

May 14, 2005

Model Helen

黑色雨伞（Black Umbrella) is an excellent Chinese photographer and I simply love all his photographs. He asked me to be his model for some portraits and I agreed immediately.

After an E-X-H-A-U-S-T-I-N-G day, for the first time I understood it was really not easy to be a model. My knees were red because I had to knee on the hard wood floor for quite some time. But the result was excellent. My effort was greatly paying off. I only put a few on flickr...by the end of the day I never understood so clearly that a good portrait resulted in the effort of both the photographer and the model and mostly importantly, the communication and connection between the two.

Thank you 黑色雨伞 and trueprice, another great photographer who helped us for the whole day.

Posted by pengbo at 11:47 PM | Comments (0)

May 13, 2005

Friday surprises

Nothing is more pleasant than having dinner with your best friend at Friday evening after an exhausting week.

While I was waiting for Vivian, I spent some good dollars at the store nearby then I had to accuse her for having me waiting. We sat in a Chinese restaurant and started "bitching" about our life. Then the door opened, a guy came in. We just could not believe it, that was a common friend of ours who lived in Shanghai, China most of the time. " What are you doing here, man?" He joined us.

"How is life?" I asked. " Life is a bitch." " But you married one." I joked as usual. " I actually got divorced." Looking at his serious face, we knew it was not a joke any more. And we also knew what the best thing he needed at this moment: beers. It was not easy for a man of 40 with 2 kids to face such a dramatic change in life. I understood. "If it hurts, let it hurt. You have to go through this anyways. The only way you can get over it is to wait, wait until your wounds heal, until you have neither love nor hatred." I believed that he could understand it.

What else can we do then? We all need to fall then learn how to walk properly; we all need to be hurt then learn how to grow out of pain.

Leaving the restaurant, Vivian and I went to my parking. I found another surprise on my windshield: a note from my old janitor saying that he had something to give me and he would come to look for me at 10pm. He came with a bag in his hand. Then like a magician, he took out a film camera. He said" I know you are taking pictures and this one has been in my basement for a long time. It is an old camera but it still works well. You may need to go to a camera store to get it cleaned though."

He had no clue that I just lost my camera at all. Now Kostas, I believed what you said.

Posted by pengbo at 11:28 PM | Comments (0)

May 10, 2005

Santa's gift

A parcel discreetly arrived.

It was from the other side of the globe, from someone who's played an important role in my life, whom I have shared a lot of wonderful memeories with, whom I haven't spoken for a long long time, who got the news that I have lost my new love from flickr, who understood how much it meant to me, who knew how upset I would be, who immediately bought a same one in appreciation of my past presence in his life, in appreciation of all the values that I have brought to him......

I am speechless. I don't know what to say.

I decide to accept this grand gesture, I decide to keep this priceless gift...I decide to record this precious moment in life...

"Thank you" may not be enough but thank you!

Posted by pengbo at 6:38 PM | Comments (0)

May 8, 2005

Feeling life while waiting

I used to hate waiting. Waiting usually escalates my anxiety and gets me frustrated e.g. waiting in the traffic, waiting for companions who are late or waiting in line to get in a restaurant. I often say that there is no restaurant which is worth waiting for more than half an hour.

As I grow old..er, I have gradually changed my attitude. Not only because patience is taking control more often but also because I start to enjoy feeling life while waiting.

I still remember last week I was expecting a friend who was half an hour late. I in fact enjoyed my waiting while holding my favorite latte in a café. I watched people pass by. Just one second's encounter, I was able to make my initial judgement on what type of person this was in general, what kind of mood he/she appeared to be in and even what sort of taste this person showed in dressing! At times, some laughters from a bunch of young girls echoed in the air, spreading joy around; a couple's heated arguement was sent out to my ear; A man who smiled at his computer probably received a love letter...the city was so alive and vibrant...and I felt it while waiting...

In the case of waiting in a traffic, I have stopped being annoyed. Instead, I often watch the behavior of other drivers, or the model/color of other cars, I turn on my favorite music or I take this time to let my thoughts fly: the to-do-list after work; the topics I will cover in my blog, the photographs that i will shoot differently...I will allow some other cars to cut me in because I know it won't make a difference of more than two seconds for us! For these kind of things that are not under my control, I would just relax and enjoy myself while waiting!

When it comes to waiting for a lover, I would say waiting is rather beautiful. Waiting prolongs and even reinforces the desire. While waiting, you might just rehearse everything what would happen: the embracing arms, the tender but never-tiring kisses, the long gaze into your eyes and the breezy whispers that stir your heart...the process of waiting sometimes is even more beautiful than when you actually get all these...

There actually is so much to feel while waiting...e.g.feel the imaginary satisfaction that you will bring your friends while waiting for them to come over for dinner; feel the self struggling and even self reflection while waiting for some news in life, OR, feel the hopeless hope from some police about a lost camera...

Posted by pengbo at 11:45 PM | Comments (0)

May 3, 2005

One second

Just one second, life has changed.

I lost my new love in Toronto, and I lost a lot of precious moments...

Posted by pengbo at 4:49 PM | Comments (0)

April 25, 2005

Drizzles and flowers

Seems God has been feeling blue these days, not sure if it is because of the decease of the old Pope or the birth of the new one, the tears from heaven just commence at a non-stop manner...

I said earlier in one of my postings that I was not a big fan of drizzles. I don't mind raining. But if you want to let out your feelings, please cry as much as you possibly can and get it over with. Then show me the rainbow or at least sunshine. Drizzles, however, like many men we've met in our life, are hesitant, undetermined, always struggling, coming back and forth...Na, not my type.

I was standing in a green house, looking at the plants. I was tempted to buy a new plant with flowers to brighten up my rainy day. However I did have certain self-awareness: I was very bad at all living things except human.

Last Saturday, a bird managed to come in from my chimney and was stuck in my fireplace. I did not know what to do because I dared not touch it. I spent a good half an hour to set it free. I was all sweaty afterwards and had to put back all the screens that I had to remove from my windows.

When it comes to plants, ah, I am a real killer. I can always find myself in a situation that I have to watch the plants die in front of me, which is rather depressing. I just don't know how to make them happy. Always too much water or too little water, too much sunshine and too little sunshine. And what is worse is: I love having the plants in my room!

"Am I going to kill another one?" After 3 seconds, I decided to go to a florist to buy a bunch of flowers instead. They will perish anyways. But at least I don't strongly feel responsible for that, at least they have their 15 minutes, at least they make me happy...:)

Much quicker decision than Mr. Drizzle. C'est cool.

Posted by pengbo at 5:48 PM | Comments (0)

April 13, 2005

My first formal parking permit

Sometimes we don’t need much, a sweet smile, a simple greeting or some encouraging words can make our day. And just those small things touch my heart and always make me feel, no matter what, life is still beautiful.

I used to live in a building in downtown for 4 years, even though I had changed 3 apartments in the same building. (Some friends say that I was crazy, but I liked that building.) Last Wednesday I was driving around to find a parking space in downtown because I had my photography course from 6pm till 10pm. I was almost late and still could not find one. Well, that was downtown, always crazy like that. Then I thought of the visitor’s parking lot in my old building. I told the janitor there that I needed a parking space. The janitor was the best one I have ever met. He was very hard working and responsible. I always said hi to him when I was in the building. (In fact I always said hi to everyone and once my friend said,” you know everyone in the building!” That was not true but who would refuse greetings?) Sometimes I just stopped for a quick chat with him like friends. He was very happy to see me, after 8 months and told me about his wedding and life in the building, and then he said, “If you ever need to park, just come here and put your name there and I will know it is you.”

So tonight after work I drove there directly without hesitation. After I finished my photography class, I found that on my car window, there was a beautifully printed formal car parking permit with my car plate number on it. I got my very first parking permit at some place I used to belong to. I felt something warm flowing in my heart. Life can be beautiful, just like that.

I should bring him some chocolate or cookies next time…on my way home, I drove with smile.

Posted by pengbo at 11:49 PM | Comments (0)

April 3, 2005

Wet mood

It was a rainy day and my mood was somewhat wet.

Haven’t walked in the rain in downtown for a while since I became a suburban girl. People were confused by the changing of the season so a mix of the heaviness in winter and delight of spring was scattered on the street. I was not particularly fond of rain, especially the drizzles. However I was convinced that the grass, the trees and even the city needed it more. The rain washed the streets, the buildings and the trace of winter on people’s faces. I kind of liked the color of the walls in the rain, fresh and real. I walked by a bench, which was empty. But I remembered that bench vividly with a couple sitting on it in a beautiful summer afternoon. The bodies still remained some distance but from the glow on the faces and the fire in the eyes, I saw the attraction of two people who were tempted but hesitated to make the first move, the most beautiful part in a relationship.

I would rather being soaked in the rain than carrying an umbrella. Un umbrella for me was always a temporary shelter, besides, it was clumsy. I did have a bright umbrella with beautiful sunflowers, which I carried occasionally, but it was mostly used to brighten my mood in the greyness. So I walked in the rain, feeling the wetness get under my skin.

Maybe, all of sudden I thought, I did need the rain to wash off my winter.

Posted by pengbo at 5:27 PM | Comments (0)

April 2, 2005

Waiting for the dawn

Posted by pengbo at 11:55 PM | Comments (0)

March 30, 2005

胡思乱想--由失眠引起的

I am suffering from insomnia.

There must be something in my mind and I do not know what it is. I open my eyes in the middle of the night and look at the shadow of the metal header of my bed and the first idea that comes to my mind is: I should take a picture! How crazy I am! A real maniac of photography. Well, it is always good to have passion on something, isn’t it?

The feeling is like having a jetlag. I remember last time I went back to Beijing I was tossed and turned at 4am in my old bed. The whole world was dead and I felt that I was cut into half. Half of myself was familiar with that bed, that room and that world. The other half wasn’t, at all. A lot of past, some of them were long forgotten, was flashed back, fighting with my present. It was torturing, sort of.

I start to let my thoughts fly. From the insomnia to jetlag, from jetlag to home. Seems to be a reasonable flow. For so many years I have drifted around and I do not know where exactly home is, to me. My hometown, where I was born and brought up and where my parents were still living? Not exactly. I still remember last time I visited my hometown hailun, I was homesick! Yes I felt homesick when I was home! Kind of weird. Beijing? It used to be my home, for a period. However even when I was there, I did not have the feeling of complete belonging. Montreal? Maybe. Because I start to feel comfortable and relaxed here. One day a friend sent me a message to congratulate me on my new home here in Canada, he happened to use the phrase that I have read many times in life:” Home is where your heart is.” (心安便是家） Then I realized that I did have a feeling of home then, because I was my own home. So it does not matter which city or which country I am living in, I would have the feeling of home as long as I put my heart back to my own body.

Yes now I am at my HOME, at 3 O’clock in the morning, with my eyes wide open.

Posted by pengbo at 7:41 PM | Comments (0)

March 21, 2005

My past was shuffled

The Sun, the sky, the breeze of the wind and the smiling faces on the street all remind me that it was officially Spring today.

I was still in the honeymoon with my new love so I immediately imported many of my CDs including a lot of Chinese ones from long time ago. I went on the bus with a spring mood and casually put it on “shuffle” mode. A beam of sunshine dropped on my eyelids and the music started to flow to my ear. Suddenly my heart was wrung a little bit. I heard “you will not be happy if you can’t learn to let go…“ by Mingjun Gao. That brought me back to 10 years ago in a corner of China when I was struggling for the first time with love in life. That was also a day in March, my long black hair was up to my waist, flying in the wind and I heard this song crooning in a book store....and all of sudden I was in tears...

The music ended and I did not know what the next was, same as I did not know what the future would be. 30 seconds later I was in Paris in a small blue polo car, someone was singing Huajian Zhou in a Mandarin-Cantonese way:” let me take you home…” Then a French song “ La Chanson d'Hélène”, my recent past......

In the 30 minutes bus ride, I was running in between my past, my memories were shuffled.

那阳光，那天空，那拂面的轻风以及街上擦身而过的笑脸都在提醒我：春天来了。

我和我的新宠仍处于蜜月期所以我马不停蹄地把我的CD们输进去，甚至包括很多很久以前从中国带来的歌。我带着春天的心情上了公共汽车，然后很无意地把我的iPod mini放在了随机播放状态。一束阳光落在我的眼lian上然后音乐开始在我耳边流淌。。。突然间我的心猛地收缩了一下，我听到高明骏的“学不会放手，就不会快乐懂不懂。。。” 那苍凉的歌声把我带回了十年前中国的某一个角落。那也是三月的一天，我生平第一次在爱中挣扎。三月的风扬起我齐腰的长发和我黑色的裙裾，然后听到高明骏在一家书店轻声吟唱这首歌，我的泪突然间涌出眼底。。。

音乐停了。我不知道下一首是什么，正如我不知道明天等待我的是什么一样。。。于是30秒钟以后，我置身于巴黎，坐在一辆小小的蓝色polo里面，有个人用国语式的粤语大唱周华健的：“让我送你回家。。。” 然后是“La Chanson de Helene", 我的并不久远的过去。。。

三十分钟的路程，我在过去之间穿梭，我的记忆在随机播放。。。

Posted by pengbo at 10:02 PM | Comments (0)

March 13, 2005

飞行及其他

我不讨厌飞行，尤其是5个小时以下的飞行。实际上我很多的人生体验都跟机场，飞机或飞行有关。每每当我双脚离开地面，我的思绪也开始四处飞扬。我会暂时远离我生活的世界，或飞回过去，或飞去将来，或干脆没有边际地遐想。我会经常记起一些很少想起的人或事。记得曾经在西伯利亚的上空很强烈地思念某个人，而那个人不过在某一瞬间和我有过心灵的碰撞。飞行还有的好处是可以遇到很多如Preetam 提到的random far away friends，大家分享一段短暂却真实的时光然后微笑告别，从此从对方世界里消失。

记得第一次坐飞机时大三去实习。当时带我的师兄后来成了我多年的好友帮我买了张折扣票回家过中秋，我兴奋之极。年轻时的兴奋是那么单纯与真实，以至于师兄后来写信来说：“那天你头也不回地走入安检的大门。。。“我才意识到自己兴奋地忘了礼节。。。然后我的人生开始和飞机有了大大小小的联系。无数次出入各个机场，无数次离开，无数次回来。每一次都觉得是穿梭在不同的世界，人有时也好像分割成无数块。最浪漫的与飞行有关的经历莫过于我在天上飞而我曾深爱过的男人在地面开车前往我所飞去的城市然后在机场接我下飞机。

人生似乎就是这样交织着无数次的归来和离去,而我已然不介意下一次会飞去何处.比如今天,我飞往多伦多.

Posted by pengbo at 6:59 PM | Comments (0)

March 4, 2005

My Lucky Evening

Before dinner at Vivian's,

1) My toe was still purple.

2) I have been feeling dizzy for 2 days and I still had my deep sexy voice.

3) It took me half an hour to find the remote control of my garage because I forgot it IN the garage. :-)

4) My car certificate, insurance paper and CAA card were given to Andy who drove my car to Le Massif the last day while I was "handicapped" in Quebec City. He forgot to give me back and took them to San Francisco the next day. So I drove il....legally.

5) I parked at a place but seemed not too safe so I moved to a parking with meter near hers then paid $2 feeling lucky.

At Vivian's

1) I realized that if I needed to use Vivian's phone, I had to consume at least a steak to be able to press her "6" and "9" and Andy's phone number is "9696...".

2) I opened my laptop to show her the presentation that I made for tomorrow only to find a big lock on the screen. I felt innocent:" I did not touch anything!"

3) After playing with it for 10 minutes, Vivian called her computer friend, I called my help desk......Lucky me, it was a BIOS lock and only the technician can unclock it so it meant that I could not do anything about it until Monday...

4) Viv kindly offered her laptop for tomorrow's presentation so I only needed to redo part of the presentation and make a CD. Not too bad.

After leaving Vivian's

1) My car disappeared.

2) I came back to Vivian's to check the number of Ville de Montreal.

3) After a thousand of calls, with the help of two friends who could not help laughing at me, ( not WITH me this time) I found my car with a beautiful $92 ticket. Half of my mini iPod was gone.

Posted by pengbo at 11:48 PM | Comments (0)

February 17, 2005

古老的心情

Andy从上海带来两本台历, 是旧版古文诗词. 尽管上面留有商业的痕迹, 那精美的线装书还是把我的记忆一下子拉回到若干年前, 海伦三中的某一个角落, 一群稚嫩的孩子摇头晃脑地大声背诵先人们的诗词, 尽管不是完全理解他们的之乎者也,那时阳光透过斑驳的树丛, 散落在陈旧的书桌上, 散落在满是注释的课本上; 海伦一中的操场边上, 年轻的Helen一边在本子上默下李煜的万般柔肠, 一边看红衬衫在操场上踢球, 偶尔的回眸一笑便驱走了年轻的心里的莫名的惆怅.....

我们读兰亭序洛神赋, 我们背出师表岳阳楼记,我们吟诵着"天将降大任于斯人也,必先苦其心志,劳其筋骨, 饿其体肤....."可是我们真的懂先人们的心情麽?我们真的说着同一种语言麽? 当我置身于法语英语的世界里回想几千年前的文人墨客的呢喃, 感觉有些时空错位.

那台历看上去很像宣纸印的, 摸上去却全然没有宣纸的质感.我一直对宣纸有着特殊的感情. 那质地,那手感,那颜色,甚至那味道... 那单薄却韧性十足的个性, 那丰厚却含蓄矜持的情感, 即使只滴下一滴泪, 它也会完全的吸纳. 小时候看父亲作画写字,总是惊叹于他的一气呵成. 问父亲为何不可精雕细琢, 父亲说那是宣纸, 它会纪录你每一次停顿的痕迹. 后来自己开始练书法, 才知道宣纸就是那么诚实, 诚实得有时让我气忿, 每一处间歇, 每一笔犹豫都在它的注视下表露无疑.

如今书法早就扔掉了,更多的时间用来讲别人的语言. 我不知是该骄傲抑或悲哀. 找出父亲的旧作, 在阳光下凝视那一笔笔, 然后想, 人生岂不如同写字,不能重来.就算我们试图重新描绘某一些章节, 亦难免不留痕迹......

Posted by pengbo at 8:31 PM | Comments (0)

February 7, 2005

Chinese New Year and Something Else

I guess the most popular words this week are “Chinese New Year”. I have been invited to two Chinese New Year parties consecutively and have been asked many times how I would be spending my Chinese New Year. Apparently the parties were spectacular and I did enjoy them a lot. However honestly, deep inside, I feel that this holiday has been detached from me even though I have exerted enough effort to throw a party at the Chinese New Year Eve just to attempt to give certain importance it deserves.

For many years Chinese New Year (春节) had been my most important holiday during the whole year. It meant that I finally grew another year older, it meant that I could have new clothes, it meant that I could have feasts and candies, it meant that I could have a little spare money (压岁钱). Still have a vivid picture in my mind: the little Helen was anxiously waiting for her mom to finish sewing her new clothes for Chinese New Year at lunch break. She had been waiting for that for the whole year. It was almost late for school. She was a good student and she was never late for school, on top of that she could not even wear it until the New Year, but still, she stood in front of the sewing machine, waiting. It was cold and the shower of sunshine spread on her little new clothes: it was a red top with small white flowers…

Can’t remember for how long I haven’t longed for something. Had lunch with J. who mentioned that she once burst into tears loudly on the street right after saying good-bye to her first love who would be leaving for a week. We laughed hard and joked about it. Then something called sadness sneaked in my heart. Yes we used to love wholeheartedly. One glance can be pondered over and over; one sweet word can be tasted again and again; we were tossed and turned at night because we missed someone so terribly; we spent so much time crying for some misunderstandings and the rainbow came out right after they were clarified; our heart was so tender and easily broken and once it was, we thought we would never fall in love again.Yes, we used to love like that, when we were young. We believed in love so much; we linked love to marriage to happily ever after; we had strong faith that love could conquer anything until one day we found that only love was not enough...

Since when we’ve preferred a warm love instead of a rollercoaster-like love? Since when we’ve started to build a shield in our heart? Since when we’ve developed sort of immune system to the pain?

......

Chinese New Year has lost its context and its meaning embedded in my mind. Yet still, it could simply be an excuse for a gathering, for an evening with candles, guitars and some melody once touched our heart softly, even just for a decent day-off.

Posted by pengbo at 2:34 AM | Comments (0)

January 31, 2005

Sometimes...

Sometimes I think I am beautiful, I really do.
Sometimes I think I look awful, I really do too.
Sometimes I wish I were a problem girl when I was a teenager.
Sometiems I wish my father is French and my mom stays Chinese so I could speak both Chinese and French naturally.
Sometimes I am too sensitive.
Sometimes I am insensitive at all.
Sometimes I like being surrounded by people.
Sometimes I prefer staying alone, even doing completely, nothing.
Sometimes I am eloquent, blablabla...
Sometimes I am speechless, not counting the moments I lose my voice.
Sometimes I just want to be held when I tremble like falling leaves fighting with my fever. (Men preferred.)
Sometimes I am easily moved to tears to receive a long-distant greeting when I tremble like falling leaves fighting with my fever.
Sometimes I am mature. My mom often says that I am more mature than her. I know she does not refer to the look. Thank God oh no.
Sometimes I am incredibly naive.
Sometimes I like cooking an amazing meal for someone I care about.
Sometimes I like waking up with a delicate Bed & Breakfast prepared by someone I care about.
Sometimes I wish I can sleep through days, weeks, centuries and never wake up.
Sometimes I can't bear even one second closing my eyes to miss the beautiful moment.
Sometimes I am like a philosopher.
Sometimes I am just a naughty girl.
Sometimes I am the most elegant queen walking down the aisle.
Sometimes I am the most clumsy lady getting blacks and blues by any objects with angles.
Sometimes I want to forever forget what happens.
Sometimes I want time to just suspend, never move.
Sometimes I want to be spoiled, even just a little.
Sometimes I want to be bad, even just a little.
Sometimes I am strong enough to just watch the blood dripping from my heart, calm and even with a smile.
Sometimes I am just weak and vulnerable and I do cry.
Sometimes I'd like to be a bitch because Vivian often says that I am too nice.
Sometimes I'd still like to be a bitch when Vivian says " You are sooooo bad".

...

Sometimes I miss little Helen with innocent smile....

...

Posted by pengbo at 2:29 AM | Comments (0)

January 28, 2005

Playing On Me

The sun is unveiled by the sheer snow, fresh and shy; the sky stays high and proud. The sunshine curiously peeks my blue lingerie through my undecided curtain, gently caresses my skin. My skin becomes a discreet mirror, tenderly prints out its beautiful pattern.

The sun plays on me, as if it plays a piece of precious instrument, then the world starts to flow with serene but seductive music...

Posted by pengbo at 2:09 AM | Comments (0)

January 19, 2005

午夜的珍珠奶茶

我感觉整个身体在燃烧, 我的目光穿过办公室的墙壁, 穿过走廊,穿过一排排的文件, 穿过同事们的脸, 变得游离而迷茫.感觉头很沉, 身体却很轻, 想飞……我发烧了.

窗外雪花轻盈肆意地飞舞, 顷刻间覆盖了我和我的心事...

在T 从我生命里淡出以后, 生病一直是我一个人的事. 很少会指望有什么人可以跑过来照顾我, 看着我吃药, 抚摸我的头发然后看着我昏然睡去并记得把我蜷曲的身体拉直. 于我, 这似乎是很久远的并有些奢侈的记忆. 于是我永远是一个人悄悄的病, 然后一个人悄悄的好. 除了几个好友会从城市的不同角落致以慰问, 不会有任何人被惊动.

然而今夜, 一个朋友打来电话碰巧听到我沙哑虚弱的声音. 于是在11:25pm, 在我的家门口, 在纯白的雪地上站着几盒精致的小菜和两杯滚烫的珍珠奶茶……

关上房门, 我哭了.

Posted by pengbo at 10:06 PM | Comments (0)