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September 30, 2006
That night, that moment
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Happy Birthday- Happy Day!
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September 26, 2006
anticipation
I have been ridiculously happy in the last few days before my age changes a number. I laugh at everything that generally will upset me: Laughed at my silly self when I jumped on the bus half way through to the office only to find that i forgot my laptop at home; laughed at my good luck when i was in a rush but the bus I was supposed to take broke down; laughed at my clumsiness when i broke my bed lamp and heard a big crack...
Anticipation gives hope, colorizes the dreams and drives people crazy. By people, I mean me and myself.
Posted by pengbo at 11:34 PM | Comments (0)
September 22, 2006
Just another Friday morning
It seems no different from other Friday mornings. Except 6am my eyes are wide open. I lie in bed in silence, motionless, emotionless.
The sun already wakes up. Just it feels so distant, as if it will never make it here, for me.
I hear a voice from the other side of the Pacific joking: “Are you dying? Should I call 911?” In fact I am never feeling this alive. The sharp desperation wrings my heart inside out but keeps me so alive. And I am my own 911. I have no one else.
Feels like a little bit of piano, no lyrics. I have heard enough words, the vulnerability of them only put me to silence.
Do we always have to fight to get our happiness? What I am fighting against now?
Up. Turn on the music, then the words, again, come out of Joe Dassin…
Aujourd'hui je suis très loin de ce matin d'automne
Mais c'est comme si j'y étais. Je pense à toi.
Où es-tu? Que fais-tu? Est-ce que j'existe encore pour toi?
Je regarde cette vague qui n'atteindra jamais la dune
Tu vois, comme elle je reviens en arrière
Comme elle je me couche sur le sable
Et je me souviens, je me souviens des marées hautes
Du soleil et du bonheur qui passaient sur la mer
Il y a une éternité, un siècle…
I find myself in tears. I find myself hopeless. I still can not immune from words…
Posted by pengbo at 2:00 PM | Comments (0)
September 12, 2006
Helen is whining
It was apparently not one of the best days.
After a sleepless night, I got two extremely big eyes with beautiful dark circle and this deep sexy coarse voice. Hanging up with the lady who was supposed to offer the wine tasting course, I was, unhappy. No no, that was not the right word. I was actually pissed. It has been almost 2 months that I e-mailed with this school back and forth about the wine tasting course and now at the last minute I was told that they did not get enough registrants so the course would not be offered. I could easily ask if not yell (I am not very good at that, need practice) at her: “Why did not you warn me in the first place? Why did you waste my time for so long? Why did you give me that false expectation? I could spend my time to contact other schools if you weren’t committed. Now the one that also offers the course has already started!!! “%*&?(*)(_+?%$*%@#$%! However, I did not say anything but:” Thanks for letting me know. Good-bye.” That was a forever good-bye. No more trust. My lessons to learn. That was it.
And my lunch date gave me a big now-show without a message or a phone call. Just hope she was not sick.
I heard one voice say: "OK Helen, unpiss yourself, still a long day ahead. It can only get better." sounds like typical Helen. Then another voice says:" Hey Helen, stop being your own cheerleader! It is OK to feel bad, feel frustrated, feel overwhelmed or angry. Let it all out then get it over with! Damn everything!"
And you know whom I listened to.
Posted by pengbo at 3:49 PM | Comments (0)
September 11, 2006
Time is on no one's side
It is a confusing season.
Some people already wear long jacket, scarves and boots, some others stubbornly refuse to believe that summer is over so still wear sandals, like me. Does it make me an optimist or pessimist or simply someone who is nostalgic?
The leaves have started changing colors and some of them have fallen to my feet. We just can stop season from changing, like we can stop ourselves from aging. You said:” But the summer will come back next year.” Darling, yes, it will, but it will not be the same. We will not be the same. Do you still remember what you were thinking or doing or worrying last September?
Remember a scene in Sex and the City, Charlotte was whining about not getting pregnant to her gay friend Anthony. All of sudden Anthony said: “Stop! Look!” Looking at the golden color of the woods, Charlotte was surprised:” Oh when did fall arrive?” “In your late ovulation and my boredom.”
Just hope we don’t miss anything in the days of running, reflecting, waiting or worrying or even procrastinating. Time is on no one’s side.
Posted by pengbo at 5:06 PM | Comments (0)
September 2, 2006
The conversation between me and myself
Posted by pengbo at 8:36 PM | Comments (0)