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May 20, 2006
Montreal-Beijing
I am leaving in 5 hours.
See you later Montreal!
Posted by pengbo at 1:31 AM | Comments (0)
May 8, 2006
The moment
You asked me, what is on your mind Helen
I smiled at you, nothing. I am just enjoying the moment...
Life is comprised of fragments of moment. That is all I can think of, that is all I can feel.
The moment to see the overwhelmingly green after the spring rain; the moment to cuddle in the long sofa with a bunch of friends listening to jazz; the moment to walk on an unknown street in a perfect spring afternoon; the moment to watch people in the café making up all mean or funny stories; the moment to regret that I casually ruined a delicate life for this season; the moment to tear when receiving a caring e-mail from the other side of the earth; the moment to see a handsome young man sit on the stairs playing guitar at 7:30am; the moment to capture an old couple walk by hand in hand in the sunset......
My life is just a series of moments, so is yours.
Posted by pengbo at 10:21 PM | Comments (0)
May 1, 2006
Typical Helen Peng day
It was one of the few days that you wanted to kill someone or kill yourself.
You struggled to get up, your mind was still in the conversation with your father yesterday. He was full of dispair about his marriage and his life. He sometimes felt life was meaningless but you were his only hope. He felt lonely. " Me too, daddy. " you wanted to say:" We are meant to live through life lonely. Sometimes someone can accompany us for a while, like parents, like kids, like lovers or friends. If we are lucky, they can walk with us for a long while. but for the rest of the life, we have to go through it alone and lonely. It does not matter where we live and who are around us. " but you did not say that, you could not. You could not say:" daddy, I feel life is meaningless too sometimes but I always have to try to struggle to find some meanings because my life is not just mine." This was not what he needed, this was not what he wanted to hear. You tried your best to comfort him, to encourage him and to motivate him but you cried in your bathtub after hanging up, feeling helpless, hopeless and useless. You felt that you were a loser, you were a wreckage yourself and you did not know what more you could give.
You finally collected every part of your body and put on a smile. You arrived at work, only to find a message on your screen:" operating system not found". You called help desk, the lady gave you instructions, you saw nothing on your screen. She asked you:" what is on your screen now?" " Nothing." " Miss, you are not helping me now. You have to tell me what is on your screen." " Nothing is shown on my screen, it is black" After some painful conversation, you were told that your hard drive was dead. You were handicapped all of sudden. You did not know your agenda, you could not check your e-mails, you could not get any files. For the first time you have realized how much you were dependant on your computer. Baiscally you were dead for the day. Your boss was frowning somewhere and you did not know what she was frowning about but you apparently could not give more.
Then you have realized that all the mess about your computer made you forget the first thing in the morning: register at the clinic. At 10:15am you called, you were told it was completely full for the day.
You walked out, trying to breathe some fresh air and your found that your shoes were killing you. You checked them out, your feet were bleeding. Those beautiful new shoes, like anything else new in life, a new job, a new relationship, a new neighborhood, needed time to be adjusted. Which meant that you had to suffer anyways until they felt comfortable. You could not complain because you wanted them, you chose them and you wore them. They still looked beautiful outside but made you bleed inside. Good job.
You felt shitty and you felt that you had a shitty life. What was more shitty was, you were not you, you were me.
Posted by pengbo at 8:02 PM | Comments (0)