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January 29, 2006
Sabrina
The first day of my new year. I wanted to do absolutely nothing.
I was toying with the remote control of the TV, which I haven't really been close to except two hours on Sunday evening. Then just before I turned it off, here it was: Sabrina, starting from the very first minute. I watched that old movie before, but I did not believe that it was as meaningful as it was at this moment.
When she attempted the first click on the camera, when she said, " Every time I see the world from my camera, I put myself in others' stories. And I know that I will never be able to live without it for the rest of my life." I smiled, with tears.
Yes that was it.
Posted by pengbo at 6:37 PM | Comments (0)
January 28, 2006
A quiet afternoon
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January 27, 2006
除夕的眼泪
除夕。海伦的除夕。
我失声痛哭，哭得找不到自己。记忆中曾经有过几次如此的时刻，都与一个男人有关。但这次，母亲的话如同匕首，将我已经不完整的心划成碎片。我知道她并不想。但她需要表达她的孤独，她的失落，她无奈的一生。我懂。曾经以为自己足够坚强，不在容易被什么打倒。Y说你就像一只不死鸟，每一次我以为你已被折断了翅膀，你仍然趔趄着飞翔。可这一次，我又被打倒了，被我自己的母亲。
这一刻，我所有坚强的外壳被碾得粉碎；这一刻，我缩在角落里，像一个无助的孩子；这一刻，我只会痛哭， 我只有痛哭。所有的委屈，所有的艰难，所有的付出以及所有的伤痛终于找到了出口，肆无忌惮。
我纵容着自己的眼泪，像个孩子, 直到没有了力气。
两个小时后，我擦干眼泪， 拿起电话：“对不起，妈妈，我不该惹你生气。。。“
Posted by pengbo at 11:36 PM | Comments (0)
January 21, 2006
A poet by the sink
I like cooking but I never like washing dishes, precisely I hate washing dishes. Cooking for me is something creative, something I can control and something makes me feel the satisfation, like I am preparing a show. On top of that I am a creative cook, by saying that, I mean I don't always follow the menu, rather often I make dishes out of whatever I have in the frige. While washing dishes means something greasy, something dirty, something messy to finish up after the show. When I don't have choices, (in fact each and every day) I choose to wear gloves.
This morning, a beautiful Saturday morning with snowflakes caressing my window, I was cleaning my kitchen. Unfortunately I ran out gloves. The old pair were worn out, sitting quietly in my trash can. So I had to wash my dishes with my bare hands. For one second, for the first time in my life, I feel the warm water run through my fingers and my fingers TOUCH my glass, with purity. I felt the texture of the glass, with sensation, with feelings, with enjoyment. That second I became a poet by the sink.
So I said to myself that nothing was absolute, not love, not hatred. Maybe I never really hated washing dishes, I just did not find the beauty of it, at the right moment. But it would come eventually, for example, this beautiful saturday morning.
Posted by pengbo at 12:51 PM | Comments (0)
January 19, 2006
My footprint
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January 14, 2006
My identity?
This was a little note that my friend Vivian left in a restaurant where I would be having my brunch...:P
Posted by pengbo at 5:21 PM | Comments (0)
January 6, 2006
Fragment of thoughts
My feet were on the land of Montreal while my heart still seemed to fly in the air. In the past 2 weeks, I have been shifted from one airport to the other, from one airplane to the next. My life was hanging in those endless take-offs and landings.
It was a lonely journey, regardless of having friends around or not. I wandered around different cities in different countries to find myself. Fragmented thoughts surfaced during the journey so I just picked a few:
**Before I left I just had my route in mind: Montreal-Toronto-Tokyo-Singapore-Melbourne but I never calculated the total time until I arrived Melbourne, I realized that I spent 28 hours in the air, not including all the time waiting and transferring. If I had known that before, that would have probably scared hell out of me. So sometimes we don’t need to think about all the concerns, all the difficulties and all the challenges, which very often hold us back from what we want to do. We just tackle them one by one when they actually come. Life will be much easier that way.
**I have met many people in the airplane, on the street, in a café. We carried a conversation then we said good-bye. We did not even know each other’s names and we did not leave any further contact information. Maybe we just exist in each other’s life for that specific moment. Further pushing it may cause the moment to lose its glamour. So we should just smile and vanish, like the ghost before the sunrise.
**I was sitting by the beach, drinking my favourite cafe latté and watching people. There were many couples cuddling in the water, kissing and exchanging the flame of love. I wondered, are they going to be like this next year or 5 years, 10 years from now? Maybe love, like many things in life, does have its expire date. A friend once said that he spent a couple of years with his ex-girlfriend. The first year was ok and the rest of the years were painful. Then I ask why you stayed that long if it was so painful then he told me because he spent the rest of the years hoping he could get the OK life back! Sometimes we live in illusions, illusions of love that we used to have. We fall in love with the memories and with the hope to extend the beauty of the memories forever.
** On my way back, my flight was delayed in Bangkok for an hour. When we landed at Tokyo, I had to run after an agent all the way from one terminal building to the other to catch my connecting flight from Tokyo to Toronto. As I sat on my seat, all I thought was how to kill the 12 hours ahead. A young girl was sitting besides me. When the plane took off, she was so excited and told me:” Look look, this is my favourite part!” Looking at her something in my heart was awakened. Sometimes we are so used to having something, so we take it for granted and tend to ignore the beauty of it. Yes isn’t the take-off amazing to take you from one side of the globe to the other? I smiled at her.
…..
We are changing, constantly, each and every day. Every big or small event, a vacation, a conversation, a greeting from a friend, a single word from a book or a movie, a smile from a stranger…..is shaping us to who we are. We just need to be aware of that and accept it.
I am kind of glad, to be back, in one piece.
Posted by pengbo at 8:06 PM | Comments (0)