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June 25, 2005
Independence
After coming back from my first golf game this year, I was completely soaked. It was hot, hot and hot. All I wanted was a "cold" bath. However I found the plug of my bath tub was not working well, something seemed wrong with the springs. I played with it for a good 10 minutes, then I gave up. "Damn, I need a man!" I talked to a girlfriend through IM. She said:" Aren't you independent?" I knew she was joking, but still, it made me think what "independence" really meant.
Being independent is not just that you can fix your light bulb or your toilet, is more that you keep a complete identity emotionally and mentally. You don't assume that others are responsible for taking care of your life, your emotions and your happiness and you don't count solely on other's help and support to be able to maintain a quality life. You can support yourself financially; you have your own friends, own hobbies or passions about life, in another word, your own world. To your family and friends, you may need help sometimes, but you are never a burden; you may be emotionally imbalanced for a while but you know how to adjust it yourself. You give and you take, but you don't assume. It does not matter whether you live with others or by yourself. Independence is a state of mind.
Also, speaking of independent woman, an independent woman is still a woman above all. People sometimes assume that an independent woman does not need help or caring or attention. An independent woman is not a superwoman. There are things in life that she might not be capable of handling herself. She would appreciate if someone shares with her some tough moments, recognizes her needs and helps her go through. The difference is that without all these, she still can find other ways out without feeling self pity.
I always think I am an independent woman but I still need a man to fix my bath plug for me, and I am not ashamed of it. :D
Posted by pengbo at 3:44 PM | Comments (0)
June 22, 2005
Welcome summer!
It was officially the first day of summer yesterday. I went to the florist.
Him: Is it a gift?
Me: Yes, to myself.
Him: Nice, what is the occasion?
Me: Just because it is summer!
Posted by pengbo at 7:00 PM | Comments (0)
June 21, 2005
Did I teach too much?
I am the only Chinese in my company and I have tried hard to market China and Chinese culture to my colleagues at work. Seems my effort is paying off. Pretty often, I hear a voice in Chinese: “ hey 工作! (Work !)” the other one says:” 我是老板! 安静! （I am the boss, be quiet! )” when someone sneezes, you will hear “ 上帝保佑！” (God bless you!) and of course “ 谢谢！“ (thank you!) “ 不客气！” (You are welcome) everywhere.
Today one of my colleagues was wearing a mini-skirt and came over, so I greeted her:” What’s up sexy?” she started to pose and shake her legs. Her legs were far from firm…I would say.:P Apparently she knew that too, so she said sadly, “ look at them…” I agreed with sympathy, “ yes sweetie you need some exercises.” Then unexpected, I heard her: “ 闭嘴！(Shut up!)’ I swear that was the most standard Chinese I have ever heard from her.
Posted by pengbo at 6:53 PM | Comments (0)
June 20, 2005
Everything is French!
I will be leaving for Quebec City for a French immersion program for 2 months soooooooooooon.
I told my boss:” I will be reading French books, listening to French music, watching French movies and eating French fries! “
Posted by pengbo at 6:40 PM | Comments (0)
June 17, 2005
Quote of the day
"There is nothing so strong or safe, in any emergency of life, as simple truth. "
Charles Dickens
Posted by pengbo at 11:47 PM | Comments (0)
喃喃自语
朋友来电话聊天时告诉我曾经在我生命里很重要的一个人结婚了，和我曾经最好的朋友。我笑笑说好啊。我惊讶于自己的无动于衷。那感觉就如秋日轻舞的落叶般不留痕迹。
很年轻时读到一句话："有一天你会发现那曾经爱过的，那曾经一颦一笑牵动你心的人会变得漠然，再没有感觉了。" 当时不懂，并拒绝懂。心想："这又怎么可能又怎么可以呢！" 然而一路走来，风风雨雨，爱过痛过，才知道，原来真的可能，也真的可以。爱的时候真的爱了，不爱的时候也真的不爱了。人没有必要因为不圆满的结局去否定曾经爱过的事实。 回首生命的历程时，会记得那一段路曾经一起走过。而我们就是这样经历不同的人， 一段一段地走，直到走到生命的尽头。有些人可以走的久一点，譬如说二十年，有些短一些，譬如几个月。但他们在我们生命里留下的痕迹是和停留的时间是不成比例的。有些人在你眼前晃动几十年，未必让你生命震撼；而有些虽如流星划过，却改变了你生命的轨迹。。。
那天跟朋友说：有些人身体活着，但她/他从你生命里彻底消失了，你也不会想起，那和死了有什么区别么？听上去有点残酷，但生活本身不就是真实得有些残酷吗？
Posted by pengbo at 8:26 PM | Comments (0)
June 16, 2005
How far can you go?
Posted by pengbo at 11:11 PM | Comments (0)
June 12, 2005
Murakami and the heat
Finally I finished this Wind-up Bird Chronicle, the 607-page book.
It has been tooooooooooo long, like a never ending long distant relationship. The cover of my book was worn out, probably due to travelling frequently in and out my bag but Haruki Murakami with his words would never wear me out.
Sitting in a café for the whole afternoon, I felt the heat attacking me every now and then. Montreal was controlled by the humid heat this week, making me want to do absolutely, nothing. The heat wrapped and tried to devour me. All of sudden, it dawned to me that someone murmured in the dark, “ I love the heat”, the voice was shivering with sweat. Do I ever love the heat? Peut- être. Rarely though. Heat escalates my anxiety and frustration. Yet occasionally I just want to be soaked in the sweat completely then take a shower or bath, feeling like reborn. Like sometimes I let myself sink in some emotions, deeply, completely until I can not go further then I will recollect myself and ready to move on.
I left the café and threw myself in the burning sun again. It might be one of those few occasional cases that I felt like being soaked, right then.
Posted by pengbo at 4:07 PM | Comments (0)
June 11, 2005
Untitled
5am. I was awake.
Some vague light crawled up to my curtain. I opened it. Surprisingly I saw sunrise which I haven't seen for months or maybe years. Yet at this moment it looked more like sunset, to me...
Posted by pengbo at 2:04 PM | Comments (0)
June 9, 2005
I am lucky...
Yesterday a dear friend said to me:” Don’t you think you are lucky?” I can’t deny. Just to think about the little things happening in my life in the past 2 months, I feel lucky, indeed.
** I lost my camera, I received tremendous mental support from those virtual friends on flickr and dear friends who read my blog. Karl, who knew that I can’t go out without a camera now sent me an e-mail to offer help. Then I received a new one from Santa. The Janitor from my old building even gave me one old film camera.
** I needed models for my photography assignment. A couple V. and D., who are my best friends in my suburb area, offered constant help. V. has been my super model and D. ran maybe 1000 miles for my motion pictures assignment. And they made dumplings for me afterwards!
** I did not have a photo printer so a sweet friend offered to print out my assignment each time for me and put them in a beautiful folder!
** A great friend from Italy made these pictures for me and brought me a lot of sunshine.
**A wonderful girl, who is also an artist in Beijing, designed a banner for my blog using one of her paintings as the base. I will be using it sooooooooon.
** Another Chinese couple from school dropped by yesterday and brought me a few “zong zi” because it will be “Duan wu festival” Saturday!
Even strangers are nice to me!
** The plastic cap of my water tap was broken. I went to Reno Depot, the guy looked at it and told me:” Oh, I remember I sold this so I will find a new one for you for free.” It did not cost much but I felt sooooooo warm by the small gesture!
** I went to Costco to get my photos ready for my final project in my photography class. I had two sets, one with borders and one without. I was asking the advices from the guy who was working in the store which set I should use and he offered to print out both and let me choose the best! Of course only charged me 1 set!
** I rush in the bus then realized that I forgot my final project for my photography class at home. I had to get off. When I got my big bag back and figured that I had to drive to work, only to find the bus driver was waiting for me in a green light!
……A lot of other things that people around me have done make me always feel grateful and warm in my heart even I did not mention them here…
If we could always think about the fortunate things that have happened to us and forget the ones that upset us, life will be just beautiful……
Posted by pengbo at 2:31 PM | Comments (0)
June 7, 2005
Movie, music and me
I was in the movie mood.
It was not too hard to choose one: Cinderella Man. Yes sounds a little cheesy but I like Russell Crowe. I don`t care if he has been accused of being hot tempered or fighting with people in the bar, I am not paying him for playing himself. I like the roles that he has played in the unrealistic world. Renée Zellweger is one of my favorites too. For me, she is not extremely beautiful, but she has her own charm and the way she speaks always amaze me.
I would say the film itself did not surprise me. Another typical Hollywood movie. I even did not worry about the ending because the title told everything. It was always like that: The hero would be beat to death (oh almost death), the enemy would appear strong and powerful; the hero would flash some sweet words or great expectations from a beloved, the enemy would show his terrible aggressive look; the hero would give the last punch and claim the victory, and the audience would be cheering for that….then “ The end” would appear on the screen leaving some innocent ones sobbing in the theatre…(Oh I am often one of them, not for this one though)
However I was still touched, not by the old-fashion plot, but by the love existing between the couple. No grand gestures, no eloquent speech, just a simple glance, a simple hand-in-hand, a simple kiss…the understanding and the tremendous trust…the love never diminished even facing the situation of surviving…I don’t need people to tell me:” hey young lady, wake up, it is just a movie!” Yes I know, but I do believe in true love in life. In fact in my whole life I would strive for that. I would be happy if I don’t lose the ability to love. If no love, it is close to death.
I used to envy those actors and actresses simply because they have a lot more opportunities to live other people’s life, experiencing their emotions, feelings, love and hatred. Yet on my way home, I turned on the radio, a beautiful melody flew out and all of sudden my heart was kind of wrung inside out…
Home by Michael Bublé
Another summer day
has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
MmmmmmmmMay be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you knowAnd I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than thatAnother aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go homeLet me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come homeAnd I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believed in meAnother winter day has come
And gone away
iN EiTHER Paris OR Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go homeAnd I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let ME go home
Oh, I miss you, you knowLet me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It'll all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home
The word” I feel like I am living someone’s life” caught me then I can’t help but wonder: Maybe no matter how wonderful others’ life would be, we have to come back to live our own; maybe it is better to live our own life with solid footprints…
Posted by pengbo at 10:21 PM | Comments (0)
June 6, 2005
A long summer walk
After moving to the suburb, I never actually took a decent walk, purposelessly wandering around. And I did it after dinner, in a windy summer evening like today, watching my long white skirt dancing in the wind and watching the stories on the road...
Party was over?
Lonely pink
I am feeling safe even though alone...
La chambre avec vue
Posted by pengbo at 10:15 PM | Comments (0)
June 1, 2005
Reviving
My nail fell off.
From the purple toe. I was taking a bath, then the nail just peeled off, as if it was a fake one, as if it was a mask or something, as if it never belonged to me.
Still astonished, I found that beneath the old nail, a tender young nail was growing discreetly, even though just a little. Like the grass under the snow, preparing itself all the winter, though unnoticed, once the sun unveils the spring, it just covers the earth overnight. Never had I realized so clearly that I had stronger ability to revive than I thought.
The dead was dead. Even though it appeared alive.
All of sudden, I was delightful.
Posted by pengbo at 11:40 PM | Comments (0)