March 30, 2005
I am suffering from insomnia.
There must be something in my mind and I do not know what it is. I open my eyes in the middle of the night and look at the shadow of the metal header of my bed and the first idea that comes to my mind is: I should take a picture! How crazy I am! A real maniac of photography. Well, it is always good to have passion on something, isn’t it?
The feeling is like having a jetlag. I remember last time I went back to Beijing I was tossed and turned at 4am in my old bed. The whole world was dead and I felt that I was cut into half. Half of myself was familiar with that bed, that room and that world. The other half wasn’t, at all. A lot of past, some of them were long forgotten, was flashed back, fighting with my present. It was torturing, sort of.
I start to let my thoughts fly. From the insomnia to jetlag, from jetlag to home. Seems to be a reasonable flow. For so many years I have drifted around and I do not know where exactly home is, to me. My hometown, where I was born and brought up and where my parents were still living? Not exactly. I still remember last time I visited my hometown hailun, I was homesick! Yes I felt homesick when I was home! Kind of weird. Beijing? It used to be my home, for a period. However even when I was there, I did not have the feeling of complete belonging. Montreal? Maybe. Because I start to feel comfortable and relaxed here. One day a friend sent me a message to congratulate me on my new home here in Canada, he happened to use the phrase that I have read many times in life:” Home is where your heart is.” (心安便是家） Then I realized that I did have a feeling of home then, because I was my own home. So it does not matter which city or which country I am living in, I would have the feeling of home as long as I put my heart back to my own body.
Yes now I am at my HOME, at 3 O’clock in the morning, with my eyes wide open.
Posted by pengbo at March 30, 2005 7:41 PM