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January 31, 2005
Sometimes...
Sometimes I think I am beautiful, I really do.
Sometimes I think I look awful, I really do too.
Sometimes I wish I were a problem girl when I was a teenager.
Sometiems I wish my father is French and my mom stays Chinese so I could speak both Chinese and French naturally.
Sometimes I am too sensitive.
Sometimes I am insensitive at all.
Sometimes I like being surrounded by people.
Sometimes I prefer staying alone, even doing completely, nothing.
Sometimes I am eloquent, blablabla...
Sometimes I am speechless, not counting the moments I lose my voice.
Sometimes I just want to be held when I tremble like falling leaves fighting with my fever. (Men preferred.)
Sometimes I am easily moved to tears to receive a long-distant greeting when I tremble like falling leaves fighting with my fever.
Sometimes I am mature. My mom often says that I am more mature than her. I know she does not refer to the look. Thank God oh no.
Sometimes I am incredibly naive.
Sometimes I like cooking an amazing meal for someone I care about.
Sometimes I like waking up with a delicate Bed & Breakfast prepared by someone I care about.
Sometimes I wish I can sleep through days, weeks, centuries and never wake up.
Sometimes I can't bear even one second closing my eyes to miss the beautiful moment.
Sometimes I am like a philosopher.
Sometimes I am just a naughty girl.
Sometimes I am the most elegant queen walking down the aisle.
Sometimes I am the most clumsy lady getting blacks and blues by any objects with angles.
Sometimes I want to forever forget what happens.
Sometimes I want time to just suspend, never move.
Sometimes I want to be spoiled, even just a little.
Sometimes I want to be bad, even just a little.
Sometimes I am strong enough to just watch the blood dripping from my heart, calm and even with a smile.
Sometimes I am just weak and vulnerable and I do cry.
Sometimes I'd like to be a bitch because Vivian often says that I am too nice.
Sometimes I'd still like to be a bitch when Vivian says " You are sooooo bad".
...
Sometimes I miss little Helen with innocent smile....
...
Posted by pengbo at 2:29 AM | Comments (0)
January 28, 2005
Playing On Me
The sun is unveiled by the sheer snow, fresh and shy; the sky stays high and proud. The sunshine curiously peeks my blue lingerie through my undecided curtain, gently caresses my skin. My skin becomes a discreet mirror, tenderly prints out its beautiful pattern.
The sun plays on me, as if it plays a piece of precious instrument, then the world starts to flow with serene but seductive music...
Posted by pengbo at 2:09 AM | Comments (0)
January 19, 2005
午夜的珍珠奶茶
我感觉整个身体在燃烧, 我的目光穿过办公室的墙壁, 穿过走廊,穿过一排排的文件, 穿过同事们的脸, 变得游离而迷茫.感觉头很沉, 身体却很轻, 想飞……我发烧了.
窗外雪花轻盈肆意地飞舞, 顷刻间覆盖了我和我的心事...
在T 从我生命里淡出以后, 生病一直是我一个人的事. 很少会指望有什么人可以跑过来照顾我, 看着我吃药, 抚摸我的头发然后看着我昏然睡去并记得把我蜷曲的身体拉直. 于我, 这似乎是很久远的并有些奢侈的记忆. 于是我永远是一个人悄悄的病, 然后一个人悄悄的好. 除了几个好友会从城市的不同角落致以慰问, 不会有任何人被惊动.
然而今夜, 一个朋友打来电话碰巧听到我沙哑虚弱的声音. 于是在11:25pm, 在我的家门口, 在纯白的雪地上站着几盒精致的小菜和两杯滚烫的珍珠奶茶……
关上房门, 我哭了.
Posted by pengbo at 10:06 PM | Comments (0)
January 16, 2005
Tuesdays with Morrie----Detach...
In two days I am at page 105...I fall in love with this 80ish old man...
Learn to detach....
Detachment does not mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it.
......Take any emotion,---love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I 'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions---if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them, you'are too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. you're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.
But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, "All right. I have expereienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need detach from that emotion for a moment..."
Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
Posted by pengbo at 8:02 PM | Comments (0)
January 13, 2005
EX in life
许多人不愿打开”EX file” 因为EX 之所以成为EX,通常意味着不圆满的过去, 意味着不美好的记忆,意味着痛苦与伤害. 许多人在提起EX时仍然有恨, 有怨, 有悔, 有憾.
我们常说:时间可以医治一切的伤痛. 于是我们等待, 等待血淋淋的伤口愈合结疤.到一天疤痕还在, 但不痛了.
我相信时间的魔力. 但把疗伤的大权全权交给时间,于我是被动的等待.
越来越相信” Life is by choice”这句话. 的确, 生活中有很多东西我们无法控制, 但我们在可以控制的空间内选择,譬如选择怨恨与报复, 或是原谅与忘记. 有人说” You can choose to be happy or miserable, the amount of effort is the same.” 当然, 不是说我们决定选择了原谅与忘记, 所有的伤痛就立时消失了. 原谅与忘记是一个艰难的功课, 需要时间的配合. 但我们选择了原谅, 就放下了沉重的十字架, 就不必背负着过去的包袱前行.
实际上所有的EX都曾以不同的方式塑造我们的生命. 他们让我们体会什么是刻骨铭心的爱, 什么是痛心彻骨的伤. 他们给了我们无数人生的体验, 他们给思念,牵挂,缠绵,销魂这些词赋予了生命. 他们让我们成长, 即便有时是在苦痛中成长. 我们每一个人能成为今天的我们都应该感激EX们的存在. 纵使他们不再以同一种方式在我们的生活里, 我们依然可以看到他们留下的生命的痕迹.
此刻, 我所有曾爱过的面孔从我眼前闪过, 而我的心里只有感激: 谢谢你们曾让我快乐过.
Posted by pengbo at 1:59 AM | Comments (0)
January 7, 2005
你在天堂还好么?
Would you hold my hand if I saw you in Heaven?
Would you help me stand if I saw you in Heaven?
I'll find my way, through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in Heaven .....
Tears in Heaven Eric Clapton
***************************************************************
It is a tough and emotional day for me today. In fact every year today, for 8 years.
8 years ago in the very very cold morning, indeed the coldest morning ever in my life, my dearly beloved brother left me without even saying good-bye.
8 years. I thought I would not feel the pain that much any more.
My colleague says that we all have a grievance cycle. As time goes by, the new grievance cycles come in and we would focus more on the new ones then the old cycle will be longer and gradually diminish. If this is true, do we always have to feel the new pain in order to be distracted from the old one? Do we always have to have a substitute to forget someone in the past? Does the old pain ever diminish or as a friend says that 'forgotten' pain is merely the pain that is lost amongst other pain such that we can't individually identify it anymore?
I wandered purposelessly again during lunch hour. Walking in the crowd, I feel a little bit, lonely. Sitting at a corner of the food court, with all the noise around, I could hear my heart beat.
At food court, people come, people go.
In my life, people come, people go.
***************************************************************
When I passed by an entrance to the metro station, I saw a woman curl up at a corner crying with extreme sorrow. I stopped and bended down, asking her gently:" Ca va?" She looked up with tears flooding in her eyes and shook her head. At that moment I wanted to touch her hair to at least give her some comfort. But I hesitated. She gave me a hand gesture saying " I will be fine..." I did not want to impose her so I left, with concerns.
Don't know what happened to her, but apparently she also needed the moments of grievance.
It was a day of grievance.
Posted by pengbo at 8:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
January 3, 2005
一分钟的朋友
昨天下了一整天的冰雨. 阳台上的冰一层层地积成厚厚的透明的茧子. 我的心也在结冰, 有些冷.
捧着被子围成圆圈缩在沙发里看<阿飞正传>. 更喜欢它的英文名字Days of Being Wild. 这是我第二次看, 听不懂广东话, 像外国人一样看英文字幕. 从来没有这样被张国荣感动过. 一个不羁的灵魂, 一缕自由的风. 印象最深的镜头还是张国荣让张曼玉看着他的手表, 只看一分钟, 那一分钟, 整个世界都静止, 他的唇离她的脸很近, 可以看到的只是呼吸., 那一分钟, 充满了诱惑与欲望. 然后他说 我们做了一分钟的朋友,今天四月十六号下午三点钟前的一分钟, 我会永远记得, 因为你.
在我们的或长或短的生命里, 一分钟究竟有多长?
张曼玉终于问了:’你究竟有没有爱过我?” 像这世上所有向往爱的女人一样不能免俗. 而爱或不爱的答案真得有那么重要吗? 他的回答可以撕碎所有女人的心: 这一生我会遇到很多女人, 也许直到我死的那一刻我才知道我爱的是谁.
是不是爱和伤害是孪生子而我们就在这爱了伤了伤了再爱再爱再伤的循环中看着时间爬过我们的皮肤? Are we like Carrie, still looking for the inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love in this world OR we are just addicted to that exquisite pain???
其实生命里很多人都不过只是一分钟的朋友.
Posted by pengbo at 11:49 AM | Comments (0)