The Lost Notebook

Jake 2

So, I did go to see Jake today. Originally he needed me to organize his work area, but he said he had been "off" all this week, so I went to help him with chores and errands at work. Of course he has been off his mind - I found out that his best friend fell in love with Jake's wife, and that is one of the reasons for their divorce - He has the right reason to be out of focus. When I went to see him, I hugged him, then I said, "Now, what can I do for you? Give me some work to do!!"
I worked really hard for him. I went to make copies, laminated sheets, organized his binders, etc. It was really hot today, so I sweated a lot. I didn't care. I was happy to have helped him a little bit. Regardless his personal life has been devastated, Jake never looked better. He had thick beard on his chin, kinda rough looking, but I thought he looked cute and hot.
After a long time of hard work, a lot of sweats from back and neck, we decided to call it for the day and headed for a restaurant nearby. I was going to buy him dinner, but I forgot my wallet in my car. I seriously asked Jake to go back to the parking lot so that I could get my wallet, I insisted, but he just laughed and said, you are funny.
When we sat down at the restaurant and looked at each other, we both smiled. Nothing was awkward. Nothing was needed to be said. I always felt comfortable with him, and I am sure he feels the same. He started talking about how this divorce began, and so on. I listened, looking in his eye. He has beautiful light blue eyes and such long lashes. He said he did not feel sad, and he felt weird about his attitude not feeling sad. I said maybe it's hidden inside him and he maybe hiding it without knowing. He said maybe. I said, "Let it out! You have the reason to be sad, so just cry! Be off for like a month! I allow you to be that way!" He laughed covering his eye, and laughed.

He said he hadn't laughed or smiled for a long time.

That made me cry on my way home.
That really made me feel sad.

Jake

Jake and Jessica are getting divorced. I found out about this from Jake when I was on the phone with him this morning. I kind of noticed that lately he hadn't been cheerful like he used to be, but I thought he was just stressed out from work. He was indeed stressed out, but for different reasons.
I met Jake almost four years ago. I always thought he was cute, and he was already married when I met him, so I didn't bother him, well, I did in a way, and he liked it when I teased him, but we both knew that we were just kidding.
When he said the word, divorce, my heart shook. I don't know why, but I felt confused. I of course felt really bad for him, but other side of me, kind of though, wow, maybe something that we joked about two years ago is coming true???
Anyway, nothing is still happening between us. I will go and see him tomorrow, not to seduce him or anything, but I really want to cheer him up. He is my friend, and I truly care about him.

3 pm emptiness

I hurt my knee, and I took a whole week off. I basically did not do anything during my off. I didn't drive for once. I saw my neighbor going to work in the morning and coming back home in the evening. I saw a school bus coming and leaving every day. I have taken more than a week off for my vacation before, but it was vacation. I didn't stay home at that time either. This time was different. I was off when everyone else in this world was working. It felt weird. I guess I could get used to that, and I also think that I would like the part that I could sleep in every morning, but every day around 3-4 o'clock in the afternoon, when I saw everyone coming home from work or school, I felt empty. I felt bad that I didn't do anything while everyone seemed that they had done something. Would I ever get used to that also? My case might have been much better than someone who is really unemployed, because I know that I am off work for a week for my injury, and I know that I will go back to work next week. Those who don't have that hope, I don't know how they handle the 3 pm emptiness, every day...

散歩

もうすぐ私の家族がケンタッキーに遊びに来る。はるばる日本から。離れていてなかなか会えないから、１回、１回の訪問が、とっても貴重で、短くて、そのときが来るまで、いっぱい色んなことしたいなあ、って案をたてるのだけれど、実際に会うと、やっぱり家族で、あんまり頑張らなくってもいいんだな、っとほっとする。
でも、やっぱりせっかく遠くから、お金をかけて来るのだから、変わった場所に連れて行きたいな、と思って、お母さんに、”こっちに来たら、何がしたい？”と聞いたら、”別に何も変わったことしなくてもいいよ。近くを散歩するとか、そういうことがしたい。”と言った。え、散歩？？？アメリカにまできて近所を散歩なんて、と一瞬思ったけれど、それがお母さんの本音だったんだな。娘である私と、早朝の冷たくて新鮮な空気を吸って、ゆっくりと景色を見ながら散歩をして、たわいもない話をする。そんな時間が実は、あるようでなくて、私が日本に帰っても、結局ばたばたを買い物をして帰るような感じだし。お母さんが本当にしたいことは、ゆっくりと、なんでもないようなことを、家族そろってしたいんだな、と思った。なんだか、前は日常のなかにあった当たり前のようなことが、今ではとても恋しい存在になってしまったことが、ちょっと悲しくて、電話の向こうのお母さんに気付かれないように、静かに泣いた。

secret ritual

I saw his pajama laid by the bed. He laid it there just the way I do it. He laughed at it before and said it was so cute. When I saw his pajama laying there, I knew what he meant. I thuoght it was cute too. I imagined. I could almost see him taking off the pajama in a hurry. I lied on the bed and smelled the pillow. I wanted to smell him.
He doesn't know that I do that every Wednesday. My secret ritual...

feeling just right

Sometimes, it just takes a new CD to start doing something. I had one song I heard on the radio over and over lately, and it got stuck in my head, actually, I don't really care for that expression - get stuck- it sounds negative. The song actually remained in my heart, and I did not want it to go away.
So, I went to the store just now to get the CD. I was pretty tired from the "total body toninig" class this evening, but I still had the energy to get out the house for a good music.
My after 5 has been very productive. I have a piano lesson Monday nights, Pilates on Tuesdays, the body toning class on Wed, Yoga on Thursday, then Happy Friday! I think the daylight saving is working pretty good. I like the idea of having the daylight longer. When I get off work, the sun is still high, so I forget that I was tired at the office seconds ago, then I feel like doing something fun.
Mmm, I like this CD. Also, I bought a small radio/CD player for my bathroom so that I can listen to the music when taking a shower or putting make-ups on. It is working well for me too. Especially when "you're beautiful" song is on the radio... I noticed that when I start the day with the good music, I tend to stay in a good mood through the day.
Life is so simple. I could ask for more and more, but what is the point if I feel just right about me and my life at this point? I am feeling fullfilled this beautiful evening, enjoying the nice breeze from the window with Nene and Wildflower...

Comfortable stage

We cleaned his house one day and cleaned mine the next day. We found letters from his ex-girlfriend and pictures of her and we found mine followed by that. I was not jealous of her anymore, neither was he. We both accepted our past as it is. Our past made us who we are today. If he didn't date her, he would never had eaten any seafood or gone abroad. If I didn't date my ex, I would never had had any sense of self esteem. We both learned something out of our previous relationships, and we both got over them.
We are in a comfortable stage of our relationship right now. We are not in any hurry to get married, we don't live together, we have our own time apart, we have our time together on weekends, we don't have kids, we share worries, sadness and laughter, but we don't share anything tangible (except for the vacuum cleaner we just bought together, but it stays at my place mostly...:), and we just enjoy the feeling of this precious miracle, love and caring for each other.
We have had some problem which was related to my low self esteem, but we are trying to work this out, and I feel that it is working. Most importantly, I love him, and I love him - not I love him, but...
Maybe more importantly, I love myself when I am with him.